Today is day 12 of my kids being in full day school. I have been ‘released’ from my duties of being a full time mom. There are now 6 ½ hours a day that the kids are in school. 6 ½ hrs to get things done. 6 ½ hours!!!
6 ½ hours to tackle this enormous list of ‘to-dos’. 6 ½ hours to focus on more non-mom pursuits. 6 ½ hours to be called Emily and not Mummy. 6 ½ hours to finish the projects that I started 6 years ago before the twins were born. 6 ½ hours to write, cook and photograph. 6 ½ hours to repaint the house and the 3 pieces of furniture I am refinishing. 6 ½ hours to work……
And yet I am frozen.
And I don’t mean I am procrastinating. I am actually standing in spot frozen with anxiety. Part of me feels like I have 6 years of catching up to do. 6 years of mental health days, naps and bad indulgent tv. But I also have 6 years of ‘career’ catching up. I need (we need) me to get back into being able to contribute more to the family income. I need to focus more on healing this body that is still struggling with badly managed thyroid disease. I need to figure out who I am now that isn’t just a mom…weird?
All this just makes me tired. I am not inspired. I am not energized. I am not feeling all ‘lets go!!’ I am tired like I ran a 6 year marathon.
The same thing happened when the kids spent a few days with their grandparents this summer. I had big plans!! But really I ended up getting very little done. I think I have forgotten what I do with myself. Does that make sense? Do I really have no sense memory of how to be alone? How to be productive without it being in service to my kids or the household…..I dunno.
Big Daddy asked something the other day that under any other circumstances would have been answered with a quick jab to the throat. But now? While rushing around to tidy up before guests arrived he asked “Why is this place such a mess, what are you doing all day?”
He had a point. What am I doing?
Well.....mostly kinda half ass starting things and kinda sometimes sorta finishing some of or part of some of it but not before vaguely kinda starting something else that will remain in a pile unfinished….sorta?