Today is day 12 of my kids being in full day school. I have been ‘released’ from my duties of
being a full time mom. There are now 6 ½
hours a day that the kids are in school.
6 ½ hrs to get things done. 6 ½
hours!!!
6 ½ hours to tackle this enormous list of ‘to-dos’. 6 ½ hours to focus on more non-mom pursuits. 6 ½ hours to be called Emily and not
Mummy. 6 ½ hours to finish the projects
that I started 6 years ago before the twins were born. 6 ½ hours to write, cook and photograph. 6 ½ hours to repaint the house and the 3
pieces of furniture I am refinishing. 6 ½ hours to work……
And yet I am frozen.
And I don’t mean I am procrastinating. I am actually standing in spot frozen with
anxiety. Part of me feels like I have 6
years of catching up to do. 6 years of
mental health days, naps and bad indulgent tv.
But I also have 6 years of ‘career’ catching up. I need (we need) me to get back into being
able to contribute more to the family income.
I need to focus more on healing this body that is still struggling with badly
managed thyroid disease. I need to
figure out who I am now that isn’t just a mom…weird?
All this just makes me tired. I am not inspired. I am not energized. I am not feeling all ‘lets go!!’ I am tired like I ran a 6 year marathon.
The same thing happened when the kids spent a few days with
their grandparents this summer. I had
big plans!! But really I ended up getting very little done. I think I have forgotten what I do with
myself. Does that make sense? Do I
really have no sense memory of how to be alone?
How to be productive without it being in service to my kids or the
household…..I dunno.
Big Daddy asked something the other day that under any other
circumstances would have been answered with a quick jab to the throat. But now?
While rushing around to tidy up before guests arrived he asked “Why is
this place such a mess, what are you doing all day?”
He had a point. What am I doing?
Well.....mostly kinda half ass starting things and kinda sometimes sorta finishing some of or part of some of it but not before vaguely kinda starting something else that will remain in a pile unfinished….sorta?
