Sunday, 1 April 2012

Table for 5

Life seems to have started going at a mach speed lately. It's funny the way memory and brains work. The twins will be 4 1/2 soon and I can't figure out how they got so old, but I also can't remember life without them.  It feels like it is almost everyday that Big Daddy and I are sitting down to go over the months schedule and figure out how we are 'going to do it'...the endless appointments, play dates, hockey games, birthday parties, dinners and house guests.  Truth is, I am not sure how we 'do it' and get all the stuff done that is important to us ie homemade everything (pretty much).

I love being this busy and really believe that if you want something done, ask a busy person. I thrive on having a list of tasks and love one by one crossing them off. I don't mind being over booked and most of the time I am more efficient and capable of getting it done because I am so busy.  I have a very hard time getting motivated if there isn't much to do and generally then get none of it done.  That being said....I fiercely guard my 'mental health' time....which I feel like I get very little of (that clears up some stuff doesn't?).  It isn't that hard to get cooking, cleaning, or 'busy' work done but I don't have enough time for the sit down and write, think, veg, read or tune out stuff and I probably don't give myself a lot of permission for it either.....there is too much to do!! I can feel my attitude change and my ability to be grateful leave when I don't get down time.  The last year with the twins, starting shortly after they turn three, things started to lighten up here.  Big Daddy and I started to be able to claim back some time for ourselves....this is VERY important to two 'only child' poster children....we really need time to ourselves and even before having children would often spend quiet evenings in separate rooms giving each other much needed space. I think we have out-grown this a little bit or at least learned to survive with less......?

So then there is this....with all (I am being facetious) this freedom and these 'only child' parents finally getting back the time we need to be sane why oh why are we considering having another baby?  It just doesn't make sense!!.  I am no spring chicken, I will be well into 40 before it could arrive, so if we are going to do it, it better be soon and then there is the fact that the twins are getting older and older and how much of a brother/sister connect is this little one ever going to get to have with siblings that are over 5 years older?  And finances...can we even afford another?

But with all these reasons not to......I still have this overwhelming feeling that someone is missing.  I have always known I would have 3 kids and that our family table is for at least 5..... there is suppose to be another little soul here, and I miss them every day that they aren't. Just the idea of not having another child, as sane a choice as it is, makes me weep for what wasn't, what isn't and what was suppose to be and I know I will always regret not trying.  And yet even though I know I will never regret having another.....logistically I don't know how we would do it.  There are just so many people with needs in this house I worry that they wouldn't all be getting met.... and let's be honest - especially mine! (I don't say this out of selfishness but because moms are always the first to sacrifice)

It is nice to know that other families are struggling with the same decision and that I am not just some crazy loonie but I need some plain old logical advice.  What should we do?  What would you do? How do 'out numbered' parents do it?

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