Thursday, 29 December 2011

What's Mine, What's Yours and the Marriage of the Two

I was raised by a single mom.  I have a dad but he wasn't around a lot.  They split up when I was two.  I have little to no memory of them as a couple.  I have memories of the house that we lived in when they were together but my dad lived there for a while after my mom and I left so I am not sure if the memories are of visits after the split.

All my grandparents were divorced too although my maternal grandfather had remarried before I was even born and was happily married until he died when I was 18.  Of my aunts and uncle, all divorced but one.  My point being that I have had very few role models on happy marriage....I am not sure what one looks like, smells like, how it functions!  I was raised with role models who taught me how to take care of everything myself.  Function best alone and depend on a coupling for almost nothing but companionship.  Not lonely but more than capable to do it alone.

In other words....I have no fucking clue what I am doing!  The first couple of blow out fights Big Daddy and I had I thought it was the end of our relationship.  I figured he would leave but instead he carried on like nothing happened....we had a fight...that's all.

I am a woman, so I am inherently a problem solver/discusser/worrier.  When we argue I want to figure out how to solve the problem so we don't argue about it anymore.  I loathe having the same argument over and over and I will never just settle with the short end.  I don't meant that I have to 'win' but I will never just accept some huge blaring defect as 'the way it is'.  I am constantly trying to improve myself, as a mother, a friend, a writer, a wife and I expect everyone else to try do the same.

The problem with this sound logic is....how do you know whose luggage/issue/problem it is? when do you know if it is your *BS (luggage) that is causing the problem or theirs??  When do you know if it is yours to work on or theirs? Or if it is a communication issue and it is about HOW you talk to each other.

Now please no reason to get your feathers in a ruffle.  There are no huge issues here in this house....just thinking about  what 'makes' a happy marriage. We attended a bunch of friends and family gatherings over the holidays and I watch as different marrieds dealt with each other over the high stress holidays and was interested in what was acceptable for each of them.

Because even the happiest marriages are constantly being worked on...but is 'happy different for every couple? or have different couples just set the bar lower or higher for what a happy marriage is? What can you expect from your marriage?  How much can you expect your partner?  What is fair? And how different it is for everyone!  What do you think 'makes' a happy marriage?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The fact that you recognize that "you don't know what you're doing", says to me that you actually do. We don't get an instruction manual for our lives, and marriage can be tough. All I can say to you is that communication is key...that and making time for each other. If you feel as though you're going to have a blow up, walk to your local coffee shop and talk there. You tend to be quieter and more rational in a public place.