Friday, 5 August 2011

Finding myself under the 'Mummy'

I haven't been able to be here much.  My life is getting in the way of having a life....heh heh.  I think I am finally healthy again.  I was never that sick but one of the many things about having kids is there is very little time to look after yourself when you do get sick so the illness tends to drag on and on.  Once kids were in bed for the night, I was done, spent, exhausted and generally in bed not long after them.  So not a lot of anything else has been getting accomplished.  I have also been feeling a little ......thin.....lately.  Not in the 'skinny' way (I haven't felt that in over 10 years) but in a pulled tight way.  Not only is my body tired but my brain is too.  I feel there are almost too many balls in the air, too many jobs and that I haven't been doing any of them very well.

I haven't felt like there is enough time in the day to accomplish everything I set out to do.  I make lists and try to multi-task, but the kids suffer and don't end up getting the attention they need which makes them misbehave to ....wait for it.....try to get attention! I find this exhausting and have very little patience for this brand of naughty.  It doesn't bring out the best Mommy in me.

Early in the year when it was time to sign them up for kindergarten I realized how completely unprepared emotionally I was for them to start school.  Truth is I didn't feel they were ready either and started looking into the argument that boys should be held back a year in hopes that I would find something to support my panic about letting them 'go' and become kids instead of my babies. But I think I was more scared of what I would have to 'become' if I wasn't just a full-time mom. And now with school starting in a month I can't believe how ready they are and how much they need it and maybe I need to be brave.  They need so much stimulation and want to learn and talk, and play, and run and jump and smash and make friends and scream and have attention and I am finding it harder and harder to fulfill all those needs without completely sacrificing me and what I need to feel sane.  That and maybe just maybe I am ready to find myself under the 'mummy'

(And please no one comment that that is what being a parent is...'sacrificing yourself' and how dare I complain and try to make 'me time' because obviously you are not a parent or if you are you must be very tired and I hope you find yourself again one day.)

And maybe that is what I am doing....finding myself again.  It is so easy to loose yourself in the mom role.  And even easier when you have multiples!! Now that the kids are a little older there is a little time in the schedule to figure out who this new person, me as a mom,  is in the world outside my home and close circle of friends.  What else do I do? What is my contribution? What matters to me? And how do I want to make those things happen in my life?  But there aren't enough hours in the day and we are all suffering a little from the lack of attention.  We leave for a 2 week holiday in just over a week and come home to the kids starting school.  I hope in all this change that life and the universe will direct me a little to what direction to face and I hope that those few hours of school everyday will give the kids what I can't seem to and find me some peace to figure out the pieces

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