Saturday, 19 February 2011

Stuff that hurts

I don't think it matters how old you get. There are things that hurt just like high school.  I guess it doesn't matter how mature you get, you can still care what people think.  I may not outwardly seek approval or really care what people think but when they do something hurtful it is amazing how much it can still hit you like a teenage cut.

I had something happen this week that hurt me like that.  It is total stupid and truly meaningless in the grand scheme but it hurt none the less and I am embarrassed to admit it

My ex-husband deleted me as a friend on Facebook .  Stupid I know!  And it isn't like we were in contact on Facebook other than the first few weeks after he 'friended' me but just knowing that there was some connection between us eased some of the pain of our split.  It helped add to the idea that we were both good people just in a bad situation and the only way out was to cut our loses and carry on.  In fact I needed to think that's what happened.  I needed it to be that way so I wasn't a fool, tricked, deceived, or a victim.  He needed to be a good guy with big problems, problems so big that it destroyed something inherently good.

But the further away I get from that time and the more I got to know him now, the more I had to come to terms with the idea that I was not just a victim and fool then but that I was still a fool trying desperately to give him the benefit of the doubt even though he had never deserved it. I was deceived, tricked and fooled then and I hate him for that but being tricked, fooled and deceived now! I hate myself for that. And now to add insult to injury - deleting me on Facebook just seems a low blow. It is probably good for me that he is now completely out of my life (again) but could it once, just once be on MY terms!?!

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