Saturday, 26 June 2010

Cha Cha Cha Changes

I can't say that the changes that have happened in the last couple of years have somehow profoundly changed me but maybe it is closer to say, happened as a result of a profound change. I can't say that I spent any time crying, lamenting or even worrying about the choices I have made. I made them because it was time for them to happen and as hard as they were, they were needed.

When I had twins not a single birth (which I have never had so maybe this happens to all new moms no matter the birth 'quantity') I was very quickly tested on my ability to ask for help. Something that I have never been very good at. I have always been someone who 'figured it out','took care of it' and would 'be ok'. The unfortunate part of this being who you are, is you tend to be that person for other people too. I have always been the friend that is called during a crisis to help make sense of things. I liked this role, I was good at it but it meant that I rarely had people in my circle that could help put me back together if the shit hit the fan. They would "give me space" let me "ask for help" if I needed it. But the truth is, I could be screaming for help.

Becoming a mom forced me to change a habit. The habit of some friends, the habit of some attitudes, the habit of getting involved, the habit of drama. I didn't have the luxury, I became very clear and very focused on what I wanted, needed and expected. I had and have very little 'spare' time that doesn't involve my kids and so it was going to be spent doing what I now felt was important.

1. Taking care of myself
2. Taking care of my marriage
3. Family
4. Friends...... notice no 'taking care of'

I am now in my mid to late-ish 30s and so are most of my friends, they shouldn't need to be 'taken care of'. They may need advice, help or a shoulder but I have children to take care of and these people are adults and hopefully know how to take care of themselves. This unfortunately meant the end, or limitations set on a couple of friendships. As much as I miss those friends which some days is alot, I can't be and don't want to be what they need. This may seem cold but I was feeling stretched thin. I was frustrated and angry when I felt friends were making choices that would eventually mean my energy would be asked for. I struggled for a long time, worrying about being 'selfish' but to this day it is still the best decision I have ever made. Putting myself first, deciding what was good, positive, and healthy for me and my family. As a result my stress levels have come way down, I got closer to my husband, I can enjoy my life without the involvement in the drama of theirs. It has made my world smaller, more focused and without the constant demand on my energy. But I am sorry that in finding my voice, I had to lose yours.

Truth is, I am the happiest I have been and I have the energy to share that. It has also made me profoundly thankful, thankful for the good man I married, thankful for my children, thankful for my amazing friends (jeanette) and family (amy). And now I am learning to bring all this energy back.....all the energy that was spent on other people, back in to me, for me. I can now focus and what a gift this life is, this day is and how clear that is without drama fogging up my vision.