Saturday, 30 May 2009

Aging

I think some people find romance in the drama they create in their lives. That some how they mean more, count more or are living a more important life if there is someone hurting, judging, or having any feelings about their life. This was true for me as a teen and maybe even into my twenties but as I have gotten older I feel the need for stillness, quiet, and peace.


There are a few things that I never want to ever do again. The sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. The feeling of falling out of control. The pain that makes you almost catatonic. When it hurts just to breathe. Intense anxiety. Wondering if he 'likes' me. Fear that if I fail, its the end of the world. Thinking that something is impossible. Lose myself to the point where I no longer exist. Forget to ever enjoy the moment. Do something out of fear. Intense insecurity. Vanishing into the crowd. Ever feel like I am a victim of my life and not the creator. And forgetting to take care of myself first, so I am able to take care of others.


But there are a few things that I never want to forget how to do. Lose myself in a song. Laugh till I feel sick. Meet eyes at a inside joke. And DANCE and dance and dance.

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

19 = Nineteen

Dear Little man and Beetlelee Bea,

We had a busy month. Unfortunately neither Dada or I were very good about taking pictures.

This month we had a baby shower for a old friend of mine. It was in the party room of the condo that she and her husband live in.......the party room on the 33rd floor!!! It was a beautiful space and a beautiful room but it had a large deck that people were hanging out on and so the two of you were interested in being out there too. I have to admit, it made me really nervous. The worth mentioning part is what you guys were eating while we were there. I have been struggling the last couple of months with trying to make healthy foods that meet the current requirements of kids that want to feed themselves and that don't require too much chewing because we don't have all our molars yet. This isn't easy and we tend to still have one meal a day that is spoon fed to you to make sure you get a bunch of veg in. But at this party, they had a Mexican food spread, both of you were eating mouthfuls of Spanish rice, spicy grilled corn salad that had bits of jalapeno in it, refried beans and buckets of salsa. This isn't totally bizarre for Gabe but Bea you are a pickyish eater. There was another set of twins there that were 9 months old. It brought back memories of you guys all tiny and how tired we were for so long.

We also had a fantastic visit to Grammy and Papa G's in Ottawa. I was worried about how well you guys would travel this time. Neither of you liked the trip over Christmas and you are only older and more mobile now. We cheated fate and borrowed a car DVD player from friends and boy did it ever help out! When you guys got bored of looking out the window, which usually happens about an hour into any trip, we popped in a video and you would both be transfixed. Especially Gabe who would laugh every time the DVD player came on. I think you just couldn't believe that you got to watch TV....we watch so little of it at home. Both of you are at an age where you can almost sit through a program, Gabe is better at this than Bea who gets distracted and finds something to play with or tries to touch the TV or cable box which is off limits. This was the same in the car. But Bea you will sit happily and look out the window if you have a NUK. On the way up we stopped at a great little lake side outlook point and let you guys eat your packed lunch and run around a little. Both of you LOVE the outdoors, I think your both like your daddy that way.


Look who found the cookies
While in Ottawa Valley we had a big family BBQ on Granny's would be birthday. All your cousins were there and O'Boy did you guys have fun!! On the compound there is a big play gym and they had gotten an inflatable bouncy castle for the day which Gabe lived in and Bea you were terrified of. Every time we got close to it you held on to me like a little monkey. You were happy hanging out with the grandparents and great grandparents moving from one lap to the next charming everyone. It was nice to have so many people looking out for you two and gave Dad and me a chance to be social. The weird part of the day is that both dad and I got sun burnt (and I got bitten by bugs) but neither of you got burnt or eaten. Could it be that my babies are little tanners and not the whitey that I am??
Once we got home you guys had a really long sleep that night. I think the whole trip really tuckered you out, it did me!
This has been a crazy month for personality forming. You are both really finding your own and it has been really funny to watch.


Bea, you are full of beans. You are strong willed and once upset about something have a hard time coming down. You are the one to have the temper tantrums. You steal toys and take what you want. You are also very cuddly, will happily snuggle up and love having one of us all the yourself. When you talk to us it is with a face like what you are saying is very important. You are very very smart and truly understand everything that is going on. Really if you don't co-operate it is because of your stubbornness not because you don't know whats going on. As far as talking you want to know how to communicate not really learn what things are. You love music and love to dance, even just to the tune that I am singing. I know this sounds like a list of negatives but in truth I wouldn't want my little girl to be any other way. I know as a young woman I will never have to worry about you getting bowled over, picked on or mistreated. You won't be naive or a sheep. You have a mind of you own.

Gabe, you are sweetness and intelligence. You still thoughtfully read books...out loud! It is a bunch of baby talk until you get to a word you know and then "apple" or "car". The funny part is you even put the right inflection in your voice like when I am reading it to you. You are VERY busy and are always doing something, like you have a mission or a job to get done. You also seem to be a bit of a daydreamer, staring out the windows and watching the world go by. This month has been all about "Dada" and always asking where he is. The Gabe, Bea and Gertie stampede to the door when he gets home is a highlight of the day. You will also beg to go outside "ooots oooots ooots keys keys oooots" shoes and trees, your way of telling us.
I have to admit I am having a harder and harder time writing these every month. You are both so busy and so much is going on but what I write seems to not do it any justice. You are way more interesting, way cuter than the pictures show and so funny!!