Friday, 27 February 2009

Sweet 16

Dear Beatrice and Gabriel

Today you are 16 months old. I am still trying to figure out where the time goes.

This month has been full of changes again. WE ARE WALKING!!!! and crashing! It is amazing how everything really does just happen one day. One day you are mostly crawling and then the next both of you are walking all over the place. I have gotten lots of video in the last couple of weeks cause I just can't stand the cuteness. Bea you have decided that "Goggy" isn't just for the dog but for everything and you point and say it constantly. The only thing that isn't a Goggy is the cat which is still "meow" or "ow". Both of you are saying "hi" regularly. You will say it to anyone entering the room but you will say it to me even if I haven't left. For serious cuteness, Bea will pat you on the hand while saying hi. I LOVE your little voices.

Something happened over the last month that turned you guys into toddlers from babies. You are both starting to really mimic things we say and have a much more complicated thought process. In the tub a couple of days ago, Gabe drank a bit of the tub water and coughed a bit. I guess Bea you saw the attention he was getting and so you bent over and pretended to drink some of the water too. Then stood up and faked a cough. You were so pleased with yourself when you got attention too. You still do the fake cough every once and a while to get attention.

This is a picture of you guys tormenting the cat.

You are both doing such silly stuff. Gabe you are so bonkers for blueberries that you will pack so many in your mouth at once that you can't close it. We have had to start giving you only a couple at a time. You both love anything on noodles and scrambled eggs. I can hide spinach in the eggs and cover noodles in the most garlicky chicken tomato sauce as long as there is a little grated cheese in there too. I love all the healthy food you two will eat and although I know in a couple of years I will be begging the two of you to close your mouth so I can't hear you smacking your chops, for now I love the sound.

Gabe you are still our little book worm, asking me to read to you all the time. The fact that you love books so much gives me reassurance that your eye site isn't suffering from all the eye issues. You latest thing is to carry stuff around with you. Things need to be taken places and you are making sure they get there. When I do read books I follow along with my finger and you watch the words fly by. I can see you making connections, I can see the little wheels turning. You are thoughtful and very sweet. You seem to have an affinity for lamb. If there is a lamb in any book it immediately needs to be kissed. You will kiss it and then lay your head down on the book. You are also incredably physical and I often find you up on top of things. We call you 'monkey boy' right now. You are really into testing boundries right now and will do the thing we say no to over and over to see if the answer is still no. Maybe you are a little stubborn like your dad.

Bea you are still a comedienne. Pulling faces and very aware of the faces you are making because you can make the same face we are making at you. You are quick to laugh and will repeat anything you do that gets a laugh. You charm everyone that comes over. Playing 'peak a boo' and flirting. You are a great sleeper and will happily go down without much trouble and will sleep in and wake up happy.

We are both completely weened now too. None of your feeding was how I had wanted things to go. My dream was to breast feed for the first year of my babies life but the cards I was delt made that difficult. Instead I had twins and premies that had an easier time feeding from a bottle than breast, so I pumped every three hours for 7 months. I would set my alarm to get me up even if you guys were sound alseep. At about 5 months old I was having a hard time producing enough for you guys so we started supplimenting Bea Beas bottle with formula. This doesn't seem fair but Gabe couldn't tolerate formula after his tummy surgery and we were told to make sure he got as much breast milk for as long as we could do. At 7 months I was diagnosed with Hashimotos disease and the medication meant no more breast feeding. So I slowly weened you guys onto formula. It was at this point that I introduced solids anyway and we weren't drinking much formula anyway. But now we are all sippy cups of water or watered down juice. Gabe still goes to bed with a bottle but it just water and sometimes you don't even drink it. I think it is a bit of a comfort to have it there more than anything. I miss the breast feeding!! I miss all the cuddles.
I really love you guys

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Am I crazy??

So the husband and I are serious considering moving to the country. In fact it isn't just a serious consideration but a serious plan. He is looking for work in the area we plan to move. Once that is lined up we will start to house hunt.

This again is all about how much I feel like I have changed in the last couple of years. My husband always lamented the fact that I had no desire to ever leave the city. There were so many reasons for us to stay, my work, good schools for the kids, the fertility clinics we needed to have the kids, our friends, our history, etc etc. He has always wanted some property, some land and that I could understand but the idea of full time life out there just never made sense for/to me. I also don't have a drivers licence and the idea of trying to get one this late in life........well more than anything I am a chicken!!

So now I have spent the last year and change at home being a full time mom and I love it. The dreams of finishing design school or of even working in the design field are all but gone. I want a life that affords us the option of me staying at home until the kids are in full time school and the option of having another baby.....or two.

Instead of being chicken I am learning about chickens. How to raise them, the different species etc. I am really looking forward to the challenge and I am excited about another major change. But with all the excitement and forward I missing the boat on how hard this is going to be?? Am I not paying attention to the stress of the changes? Am I crazy??

Saturday, 21 February 2009

Identity=Community? or Community=Identity?

All is well at the homestead. The last couple of weeks have whizzed past. We have had a pretty busy social calendar, seeing friends we hardly see, including a bunch of old friends that are pregnant. It has been nice.

I seem to know an enormous number of pregnant people right now and it has changed the playing field a little. Women who were down right critical of my choices a year ago have now shut up and are now asking me for advice. I can't help but be a little bitter. Some of the choices I have made as a mom are hard and not with the mainstream and as a result seem to need to be defended regularly even to my children's pediatrician. One of the simplest being that I refuse to give my children bottles or sippy cups of milk (cows). Why I am treated like a evil dictator for this I'll never know.

Since having kids I have been struggling with a sense of identity and community. Some days this feels like an impossible task, other days only like a growth spurt. The interesting thing is people that don't have children don't understand this at all. They don't realize and will argue with me to the contrary, that much of your identity is what you do for a living. This is deeply questioned when you go on Mat leave and become "mom". Think about it, what is one of the first things that people ask when they meet you. "What do you do?" And telling them "I'm a mom" they look for the rest of the answer, like that couldn't possibly be ALL you do.

I think that the only time this isn't such a struggle is when the new mom has quite a successful career or loves their job and never questions whether they will be returning at the end of the year. This loss of identity doesn't happen to new dads. They return to work after a couple of weeks and continue where they left off. Their work relationships the same, their friendships the same. They just don't have as much free time.

There are also the changes that happen to your body, it isn't just your body anymore. It's an incubator, a sexual being, a food machine, and completely unfamiliar after a pregnancy. And where is the time to do the things that are 'you'? AND then add in that all your relationships and relations to others change including your husband/significant other. So who are you now?

A few of my childless girlfriends could kinda see how this might happen but my guy friends..........**crickets** They just couldn't see it, the impact, the magnitude of the impact of having a baby.

So who am I now? I don't have anything left from the old life to identify with and I don't have a community either. I am not trying to sound morbid or sad, just factual. And I am not mourning my old life but merely trying to get comfortable in the new one. But what comes first the identity or the community???

Thursday, 12 February 2009

It seems these days there are few stories of good will, happiness, selflessness, peace and doing the right thing. I have been pleasently surprised lately and feel that maybe this world ain't so bad after all.

here is one

and as cheesey as it sounds, almost everything Obama has done lately