Sunday, 28 December 2008

Momth 14

Dear Bea and Gabe,

Yesterday you turned 14 months old. And I know that I say it EVERY month but this was my favorite. Everything just keeps getting to be more and more fun every day. I think this month you two grew the most and learned the most new stuff.

Until now Gabe, you have been the more physical one and we have been waiting for you to let go and start walking. You have been so close so many times and you have been walking holding on to things for ages. Bea you had been behind in crawling, standing and walking until recently. Now suddenly I think Bea is going to be the first off to the races. You have taken a couple of tottling steps before smashing into whatever you were walking towards and you find it easier to walk with us holding your hands or with a walker roller than Gabe does. Gabe I think it has more to do with being impatient and knowing that you can crawl there faster than this walking thing.

Another thing that has completely flip flopped is the talking. Bea was the blabber, pointing and saying your version of "What's that?". In the last month, Gabe your vocabulary has taken off. You point to the apple in one of your books and have gone from "ap" to "apple" this month. We can ask you where the apple is and you will search through the pages to the green page and point to the apple. I have been trying to teach you "peas" which are right beside the apple on the page and I think that is starting to set in now too. You have also been obsessed with lights which is interesting because it is the same thing that I continually pointed at as a baby and light was my first word. I said it exactly like how you say it which is "ighth". The BEST part of your talking Gabe is that you whisper everything which I have to say makes it ten times cuter.

You guys loved opening presents

And I love those faces

This month was also filled with Bea Bea finding her bellybutton and showing you if you ask. Both of you racing up the stairs if given the opportunity, eating 'real food' like homemade mac and cheese, both of you pointing at Daddy when I ask where's Daddy, Gabe becoming unbelievably ticklish, both of you being able to climb down off the couch unassisted, Bea Bea dancing every time any music is playing, Gabe really clapping, and all the sign language!!!..we can do 'more', 'eat', 'all done', 'food' and 'thank you' with 'more' being the most consistent for Bea Bea

I know it will be a couple of years before Christmas is a big deal for you guys but I think that you understood that it is something special and I could see that you understood that something magic was going on. It makes me super excited for the coming Christmases.

AND to top it all off we have started to potty train, although interrupted by the holidays and we got a couple of pees each and a Bea Bea poop in the potty this month. Now that all the craziness is over we are going back on track. You guys are going to be potty trained before 2 years old if it kills me.
This last month was the first time that Daddy and I started to really consider whether we want to have more babies. You guys are so much fun that it makes me want to have tons of babies. All the moms I know said that they knew when they were done making their families and I don't think Daddy and I are done. We like you that much!!

Friday, 19 December 2008


Life is weird. No matter how much work you do to 'get there'.......where is there? It is a constant game of running to stand still. Weird things annoy me...

  1. Thing that have to be done over and over. Why should I have to shower? I showered yesterday. Why no matter how many time you do this thing it can never get crossed off your 'to do' list.
  2. I'm not a huge fan of eating. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to cook and feed other people but there are very few things that I really look forward to eating....unfortunately Cheese Danishes from the Harbord Bakery are one of them. Oddly I love to drink.
  3. Dirty fingernails on anyone or long fingernails on men.
  4. People who talk through movies or tv shows, especially if it is to ask what happens next
  5. The sound of teeth grinding
  6. People who complicate things or stand in my way when I am trying to accompish something
  7. People who think farting is really funny and insist on doing it in front of people they barely know......or when I am eating
  8. People who don't walk or shop with any awareness that there are other people there too. Shop the same way you drive, look before merging!
  9. People who don't read and some how think it is funny or cute and proudly announce "I don't like to read" You're an asshole and you are probably a member of another group of people I hate, Stupid People
  10. Disorganization, this is pretty basic and I am a Virgo so really I have an excuse
  11. Bad handwriting

My husband and I have been seeing a marriage councilor. Not cause anything was horribly bad but we had a lot of change very quickly and you mix that with the exhaustion of twins and you have a bad drink that gives you a year long headache. This weeks appointment was all about me for some reason. This makes me uncomfortable for a lot of reasons, the biggest one is that I would really like my husband to take all the blame for our problems....that being said we ended up talking about my identity. The doctors point was that along with becoming a mom my identity has completely changed or is in the middle of changing. All the things that I previously called my own and were part of who I was is now in transition. From my work, to friends, to clothes, to social. But here is the thing......I have come to realize that the only thing that really remains is what annoys me....there are some new ones that involve the mom community but really it is the same things. The hard part of all of this is trying to base a whole life on them when the only other thing I have going for me is the precarious perch of new mom. I am not trying to dramatic, in fact I think this is kinda funny. Today I spent most of the day stomping around, when my husband finally asked me what was wrong I said "Nothing I'm just trying on a new me" I think tomorrows me is a nudist and an opera singing student....

Friday, 12 December 2008

It's my perogative

"A Prerogative is an exclusive legal right given from a government or state and invested in an individual or group, the content of which is separate from the body of rights enjoyed under the general law of the normative state. It was a common facet of Feudal law.
In modern pop culture usage, the word prerogative has come to mean the egalitarian
condition of the right for anyone's own self-determination,
e.g. that it is "one's prerogative" to do as they please. "

Is it me or is it you? Things have changed and I am not sure if it is my view of the world or if others around me have changed. I think I have to take credit for some of it. My whole life has done a 360 in the last year, maybe even two years. We have been in a constant state of change.....or is that just life? I just don't find myself connecting with the same people so I checked my weekly Rob Brezney horoscope (something everyone should do)


After meditating on how best to energize your love life, I decided to direct
you to this passage from John Welwood's book Perfect Love, Imperfect
Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart: "Everyone knows perfect love
in their heart, for the human heart is a direct channel through which
absolute love pours into this world. At the same time, human relationships
are imperfect expressions of that love. This creates a painful gap between
the perfect love we know in our hearts and the imperfect, incomplete ways it
is expressed in our relationships. When we imagine that relative human love
should be something it is not -- absolutely unconditional -- we suffer
disappointment and wind up distrusting love itself. We also hold grievances
against others for not loving us rightly or against ourselves for not having
won that love. This gives rise to a universal human wound -- the sense of
not feeling loved for who we are."

Good one but not really the answer I am looking for. Everyone has always said that motherhood was so life altering that nothing ever changed their lives as much. So maybe 14 months later it is finally hitting me?? Am I no longer pre-mama me only post mama-me?...and where would the hyphen go? But can it really be so simple? Having children as altered me so much that I just don't see why I liked some of the people I use to like and does this mean that I like people that I previously didn't like? I don't know if I like that.

The truth is, I am sad. I miss my old gang. I thought that the ones of us that have had kids would be closer, having a common bond but the truth is, it just doesn't always work that way. Sometimes people who make great friends are such weird parents that being around them makes you frustrated by their choices and a struggle to be around with your kids. And the ones who have yet to have kids........they are in just such a different place.

But I think this is just the surface. I am finding people bitter and angry most of the time. Quick to speak poorly of eachother and generally bitchy. I just have no interest in why you hate someone or think they are stupid or all the is all so heavy and complicated. I am not into complicated, haven't been for a long time. I just want to get out of the city, make things simple, small and managable. I don't want my fast big city life anymore. I don't want the fight to make enough money to keep up with the Jones'. A saying that really confused me as a child because my mothers last name is Jones'. I don't want to worry about what I am wearing. I want to worry about what I am eating and where it came from. I don't want to pay top dollar for food that has been GMO'd to the point where it isn't food anymore. I don't want to pay top dollar for meat that was badly treated and slaughtered while angry and sad. I don't believe that feeds us and I don't want to feed it to my children.

So maybe it is me. Maybe I am the one doing all the changing here. Maybe that is ok too. I will always miss the old but I like the fact I love it!