Sunday, 28 December 2008

Momth 14

Dear Bea and Gabe,

Yesterday you turned 14 months old. And I know that I say it EVERY month but this was my favorite. Everything just keeps getting to be more and more fun every day. I think this month you two grew the most and learned the most new stuff.

Until now Gabe, you have been the more physical one and we have been waiting for you to let go and start walking. You have been so close so many times and you have been walking holding on to things for ages. Bea you had been behind in crawling, standing and walking until recently. Now suddenly I think Bea is going to be the first off to the races. You have taken a couple of tottling steps before smashing into whatever you were walking towards and you find it easier to walk with us holding your hands or with a walker roller than Gabe does. Gabe I think it has more to do with being impatient and knowing that you can crawl there faster than this walking thing.

Another thing that has completely flip flopped is the talking. Bea was the blabber, pointing and saying your version of "What's that?". In the last month, Gabe your vocabulary has taken off. You point to the apple in one of your books and have gone from "ap" to "apple" this month. We can ask you where the apple is and you will search through the pages to the green page and point to the apple. I have been trying to teach you "peas" which are right beside the apple on the page and I think that is starting to set in now too. You have also been obsessed with lights which is interesting because it is the same thing that I continually pointed at as a baby and light was my first word. I said it exactly like how you say it which is "ighth". The BEST part of your talking Gabe is that you whisper everything which I have to say makes it ten times cuter.

You guys loved opening presents

And I love those faces

This month was also filled with Bea Bea finding her bellybutton and showing you if you ask. Both of you racing up the stairs if given the opportunity, eating 'real food' like homemade mac and cheese, both of you pointing at Daddy when I ask where's Daddy, Gabe becoming unbelievably ticklish, both of you being able to climb down off the couch unassisted, Bea Bea dancing every time any music is playing, Gabe really clapping, and all the sign language!!!..we can do 'more', 'eat', 'all done', 'food' and 'thank you' with 'more' being the most consistent for Bea Bea

I know it will be a couple of years before Christmas is a big deal for you guys but I think that you understood that it is something special and I could see that you understood that something magic was going on. It makes me super excited for the coming Christmases.

AND to top it all off we have started to potty train, although interrupted by the holidays and we got a couple of pees each and a Bea Bea poop in the potty this month. Now that all the craziness is over we are going back on track. You guys are going to be potty trained before 2 years old if it kills me.
This last month was the first time that Daddy and I started to really consider whether we want to have more babies. You guys are so much fun that it makes me want to have tons of babies. All the moms I know said that they knew when they were done making their families and I don't think Daddy and I are done. We like you that much!!

Friday, 19 December 2008


Life is weird. No matter how much work you do to 'get there'.......where is there? It is a constant game of running to stand still. Weird things annoy me...

  1. Thing that have to be done over and over. Why should I have to shower? I showered yesterday. Why no matter how many time you do this thing it can never get crossed off your 'to do' list.
  2. I'm not a huge fan of eating. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to cook and feed other people but there are very few things that I really look forward to eating....unfortunately Cheese Danishes from the Harbord Bakery are one of them. Oddly I love to drink.
  3. Dirty fingernails on anyone or long fingernails on men.
  4. People who talk through movies or tv shows, especially if it is to ask what happens next
  5. The sound of teeth grinding
  6. People who complicate things or stand in my way when I am trying to accompish something
  7. People who think farting is really funny and insist on doing it in front of people they barely know......or when I am eating
  8. People who don't walk or shop with any awareness that there are other people there too. Shop the same way you drive, look before merging!
  9. People who don't read and some how think it is funny or cute and proudly announce "I don't like to read" You're an asshole and you are probably a member of another group of people I hate, Stupid People
  10. Disorganization, this is pretty basic and I am a Virgo so really I have an excuse
  11. Bad handwriting

My husband and I have been seeing a marriage councilor. Not cause anything was horribly bad but we had a lot of change very quickly and you mix that with the exhaustion of twins and you have a bad drink that gives you a year long headache. This weeks appointment was all about me for some reason. This makes me uncomfortable for a lot of reasons, the biggest one is that I would really like my husband to take all the blame for our problems....that being said we ended up talking about my identity. The doctors point was that along with becoming a mom my identity has completely changed or is in the middle of changing. All the things that I previously called my own and were part of who I was is now in transition. From my work, to friends, to clothes, to social. But here is the thing......I have come to realize that the only thing that really remains is what annoys me....there are some new ones that involve the mom community but really it is the same things. The hard part of all of this is trying to base a whole life on them when the only other thing I have going for me is the precarious perch of new mom. I am not trying to dramatic, in fact I think this is kinda funny. Today I spent most of the day stomping around, when my husband finally asked me what was wrong I said "Nothing I'm just trying on a new me" I think tomorrows me is a nudist and an opera singing student....

Friday, 12 December 2008

It's my perogative

"A Prerogative is an exclusive legal right given from a government or state and invested in an individual or group, the content of which is separate from the body of rights enjoyed under the general law of the normative state. It was a common facet of Feudal law.
In modern pop culture usage, the word prerogative has come to mean the egalitarian
condition of the right for anyone's own self-determination,
e.g. that it is "one's prerogative" to do as they please. "

Is it me or is it you? Things have changed and I am not sure if it is my view of the world or if others around me have changed. I think I have to take credit for some of it. My whole life has done a 360 in the last year, maybe even two years. We have been in a constant state of change.....or is that just life? I just don't find myself connecting with the same people so I checked my weekly Rob Brezney horoscope (something everyone should do)


After meditating on how best to energize your love life, I decided to direct
you to this passage from John Welwood's book Perfect Love, Imperfect
Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart: "Everyone knows perfect love
in their heart, for the human heart is a direct channel through which
absolute love pours into this world. At the same time, human relationships
are imperfect expressions of that love. This creates a painful gap between
the perfect love we know in our hearts and the imperfect, incomplete ways it
is expressed in our relationships. When we imagine that relative human love
should be something it is not -- absolutely unconditional -- we suffer
disappointment and wind up distrusting love itself. We also hold grievances
against others for not loving us rightly or against ourselves for not having
won that love. This gives rise to a universal human wound -- the sense of
not feeling loved for who we are."

Good one but not really the answer I am looking for. Everyone has always said that motherhood was so life altering that nothing ever changed their lives as much. So maybe 14 months later it is finally hitting me?? Am I no longer pre-mama me only post mama-me?...and where would the hyphen go? But can it really be so simple? Having children as altered me so much that I just don't see why I liked some of the people I use to like and does this mean that I like people that I previously didn't like? I don't know if I like that.

The truth is, I am sad. I miss my old gang. I thought that the ones of us that have had kids would be closer, having a common bond but the truth is, it just doesn't always work that way. Sometimes people who make great friends are such weird parents that being around them makes you frustrated by their choices and a struggle to be around with your kids. And the ones who have yet to have kids........they are in just such a different place.

But I think this is just the surface. I am finding people bitter and angry most of the time. Quick to speak poorly of eachother and generally bitchy. I just have no interest in why you hate someone or think they are stupid or all the is all so heavy and complicated. I am not into complicated, haven't been for a long time. I just want to get out of the city, make things simple, small and managable. I don't want my fast big city life anymore. I don't want the fight to make enough money to keep up with the Jones'. A saying that really confused me as a child because my mothers last name is Jones'. I don't want to worry about what I am wearing. I want to worry about what I am eating and where it came from. I don't want to pay top dollar for food that has been GMO'd to the point where it isn't food anymore. I don't want to pay top dollar for meat that was badly treated and slaughtered while angry and sad. I don't believe that feeds us and I don't want to feed it to my children.

So maybe it is me. Maybe I am the one doing all the changing here. Maybe that is ok too. I will always miss the old but I like the fact I love it!

Sunday, 30 November 2008

Un-Lucky 13

Dear Bea and Gabe

This week you turned 13 months old. This month seemed to go faster than all the rest so I'm not sure how much new stuff there is to tell you.

This was a month of illness and I am tired. First Gabe you got a cold. Mostly in your chest but your nose was bothering you too. You slept great during the day, taking longer naps than usual but would have terrible nights. I think part of the problem was that you were having a had time eating and you would wake up hungry. Dad and I had a few terrible nights trying to get you through. Just when I was starting to worry and think that maybe we have to take you to the doctor, you started getting better.

We went to some lengths in the first couple of days to avoid Bea getting what you had. We would feed you out of separate bowls and make sure that your sippy cups never got mixed up but it is impossible in 'the house whose contents must go in your mouth.' Just when Gabe was all better but a mild cough I could see it hitting Bea.

Bea, my little girl, you went from getting a cold to deathly ill in a matter of hours. By the end of the day I could tell something wasn't right. You were tired and Dad put you to bed early while I was out at a doctors appointment. I went to check on you later and you weren't sleeping, you were just laying there which was scary. You had a fever and were obviously having a hard time breathing. I brought you downstairs to have a look at you and maybe give you some Tylenol and I could tell it wasn't ok. Dad was at hockey but Gramma Robin was visiting and we decided to call the health advice line. After a very brief conversation with them which involved them counting your breaths in 15 seconds, they told me to take you to emergency. I called Dad and he came racing home and off to Sick Kids we went. We spent the night there with you in an oxygen mask on filled with steroids. I could tell you were feeling better by dawn because you started to fight back. You were ripping the masks off and frustrated by the heart monitor wires. I was so tired after pulling an all nighter in emerg but loved seeing you get fight back. I knew then that you were going to be ok.

Dad and I came home in a daze. We put you to bed and tried to get some sleep ourselves but we knew Gabe would be up any minute. Luckily Gramma said she would get up with him and take care of breakfast. I had a hard time sleeping. I haven't been that scared since you guys were born. I could hear Gramma downstairs playing with Gabe and before I could sleep I had to go and hold each of you tight. Every month I tell you guys how much I love you and what a gift you are and it is just as true this month as any month but I need to tell you that I like you both...alot! and I really like having you around. And stop scaring me!!


ps. The Santa picture was taken the day before Bea got sick..... Beez, you were terrifed of Santa and this was the only picture that you weren't screaming, it was taken on the inhale. Maybe it wasn't Santa, maybe you just didn't feel well?

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

12 Months = One Year!!

This week you turned one year old. Where did the time go??

I have to admit that I have been using the fact that I have 'newborn' twins as my excuse for not participating in events that I just don't want to go to. My excuse is wearing thin with the two of you over a year old. I wanted to make this entry extra special, make sure that I recognize the hugeness of a whole year but I'm not sure how I can do that. You are still only a month older than the last time I wrote....

This month we went teef crazy. Bea Bea already had her two bottoms and Gabe had just popped one last month but in the last month you both got a mouth full. First Bea started getting her Vampire teeth. When they were half way in we had a doctors appointment and I asked about the unusual order that her teeth were coming in. He said that they looked healthy and that she must have gotten it from someone in the family. I asked around but no one else got teeth in this order........and then Gabe's started to come in too. At this point Gabe you had both bottoms finally and now crazy Vampire teeth too. The best part of all of this crazy teeth growing was you both manage to have them grown in just in time for Halloween. Dad and I thought about dressing you both up like Vampires for the trick and treaters but realized that you would both in bed for the night before the first one arrived. And now a week later both of you have both top fronts coming in. You are both taps of drool and want to bite everything. I would give it another week and you will each have four on top and the two bottoms. Then we can have fun with some new foods!

Dad and I hosted a big birthday bash for you. All six grandparents, Great Uncle Terry and Great Aunt Lizzie, Caley, Noah, Great Aunty Finn, Aunty Caitty, Uncle Bob and Aunty Dotty with Izzy and brand new Juliet, Uncle Alex and Aunt Susan with Nathan, Uncle Ian and Aunt Jenn, Declan and his parents, Sophie and her parents, and more all came to shower you with love. We started a tradition of a green birthday that I hope we can keep up. Everyone should know the joy and excitement of having gifts to open but I also want you two to be aware of the privilege of receiving those gifts, and be thankful and respectful of what you have. You received some fantastic prezzies and have been having great fun.

So much has changed in the last year but so much as stayed the same. In my very first letter I said "Bea, you are the comedian. You are constantly mugging and making faces" and "Gabe you are sweet curiosity" and you both still are. Bea you are my bringer of Joy and Gabe you are my Angel and you love you both more everyday for it.


Saturday, 27 September 2008

Month 11

Dear Bea and Gabe,
I know I say this every month but I can't believe how old you are getting. We are now planning your 1st did that happen?? One year ago now I had finally given up to my hugeness and spent most of my time trying to get comfortable something which never really happened. Sleep was interrupted constantly by the need to pee and two of the busiest babies ever. At night when Dad and I would go to bed we would lie there and watch my belly for a while. Minutes after I settled in, you two would decide it was time for a party and you could see it from the outside. Gabe you liked to kick, especially my bladder and Bea Bea you liked to push your head up into my ribs giving me terrible heartburn. The last couple of weeks before you were born were the most uncomfortable of my life and I couldn't wait for you to come out......and then you did.....too soon....and I would have done anything to be that uncomfortable again to keep you safe until you were ready to make your entrance.

You guys are doing something new everyday and it is all happening so fast that I worry that I will miss it or forget to tell you later.

Gabe, you are more active then ever and covered in bruises from all your adventures. You are now getting around shuffling your feet while holding on to the furniture. This is how you loose your balance and bump that pumpkin of a head of yours. One benefit to all this walking is you sleep great now because you are exhausted when naps and bedtime roll around. I can't leave you guys alone for a second without some sort of trouble. I guess I should get use to this.....I can only guess that this is what it is going to be like for the rest of my life!

Bea you are still cruising around commando crawling but you have gotten really quick. You are now pulling yourself up on you knees and like to stand if you can lean against me or on something. I can tell it won't be long for you to be up on your feet. You are happy to sit with me while we look at books or play while Gabe wants to be out getting the walking down. This month you started putting your head down on my chest when we cuddle and if nothing else has made me feel like your mom that was it
Both of you started waving this month, but only when you feel like it. It started with Bea doing 'gimme gimme' with both hands and Gabe waving at himself and slowly evolved into a real wave. During one meal this week I was waving at you both and saying 'hi' when Gabe said hi back. This totally took me surprise because Bea you have always been the more verbal one. But there it was....hi and you have never said it again.
To guarantee your job in a circus, Gabe you have popped out one bottom toof out of that melon head of yours. Boy were you miserable for a couple of days! and I have to admit I gave you tylenol almost every night. I figured that sleep would help keep you in the best spirits. Nothing is worse than a teething sleepy baby.
When we found out we were having twins everyone had tons of advice. Everyone always does.... but the one thing that seemed to be repeated even by other twins parents was that the first three months is the hardest and it was really hard......but then like by magic once we reached the three month mark all those same advice givers told us it was the first six months that were the hardest, and then at six we were told nine etc etc..... The point of all this is that yes it was hard and I couldn't wait for the hard to be over but now at 11 months it hasn't gotten easier, it has just gotten more fun. It doesn't matter how hard anything is when you're having fun.

Love Mama

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Why can't we all just get along???

There are new things to learn at every stage of life. But there was one I had heard of but never experienced until I became a mother. The joy of being judged by other parents. People choose there plan of attack when they are faced with parenthood. I know poor choice of words, maybe I am feeling a little too much like a parent of multiples.......And much like religion, they feel that their choice is the only way. That they are doing it right and the rest of us are completely fucking it up. Will my children will be damaged and will they suffer life long emotional scars because of the choices I've made?

I love reading Mommy Bloggers, and I capitalize this because I think we are a special breed and deserve to be in CAPS. Many of us write to document life for our children to read later, some of us are doing it to reach out to other Mommys, some of us are passing time during mat leave and some are women who have always been blogging and became mothers. I love you all. I love you for sharing your stories, for being honest and sometimes getting down and dirty. But I don't love the judgement, the scorn and the down your nose looking.

I read MANY parenting books while pregnant and have watched many friends while they raise their children and made alot of decisions of how I wanted to raise my children once they arrived. The thing is.....once they got here I had to re-adjust some of those ideas. Not because they aren't good ways to raise your children but because they weren't going to work for my children or my family.

Being a mommy is hard. It is the best thing I have ever done and I had to work harder then most to get to this magic land. I am a good mom and my children are very happy healthy babies and I hope the same for you whether you practise Attachment Parenting and they sleep in the same bed with you or you sleep them in a crib, whether you soothe them to sleep or whether you let them cry a little. Educate yourself and find what is going to work for you family and children. But the worst thing you can teach your children is to be judgemental bigots.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

10 months and counting

Dear Bea and Gabe,

Today you turn ten months old. From now on you will always be double digits in the months old and that's a major landmark. I can't believe we are closing in on a year old. Where has all the time gone? This whole summer has flown by.

This was another crazy month of so much happening I hope I remember it all to be able to tell you guys about it.

Bea Bea wins the tooth race with two little bottom chompers that are razor sharp. You like to show them to me when you smile and they make me laugh every time. Gabe, you are teething like crazy but no toof yet. For now you are my little gummer. While Beas energy is going into teeth, Gabe your crawling like a champ now and you are pulling yourself up to standing which scares the crap out of me. You are suddenly a little boy covered in bruises. At the end of the day your little knees are bright red and sometimes scratched but you never complain, you love getting around and scream with joy. But you aren't so sure about the waterpark.

Both of you have become killer laughers this month and laugh at each other often which I love. I love that you like each other so much. Sometimes while you are both crawling around, you will find each other and fight to kiss each other. I find you both all wet from kisses and laughing.

This month was busy with travels. First we went to Stratford to visit Grampa Andy and Gramma Ruth for the day. They just couldn't get over the fact that there were two of you. Gramma Ruth fed you and Grampa Andy just couldn't believe how much you ate. Aunty Isis came over to play and you guys were extra charming and did pretty well considering that you pretty much missed all you naps for the day.

Then the following weekend Gramma Robin and Grampa Garwood came to visit and take us back to Pakenham with them. You guys were such troopers on the ride there. There was a major car accident on the highway that held us in parked traffic for two hours. The grandparent took you guys out of your seats and walked along the 401 with you. Everyone had gotten out of their cars to enjoy the nice day and see if they could see what was going on up the road. It was actually kind of neat and restored my ever failing hope for humanity. A group of girls with a case of water in their car handed out bottles and gave us extra encase we had to make formula because who knows how long we will be here. By the time we got to Pakenham it was well past your bedtimes but you guys were pretty happy campers and went down and slept through the night.

We spent a week in Pakenham visiting with family there. Great Granny Marion was the one most pleased to see you guys. I think she has an extra fondness for you because you are twins. The whole town knows about the Johnson twins. She asks about you guys often. I hope you have the chance to get to know her.

You guys are at the age when you start to do things that make sense. We got you a drum and I showed you how to use it and you drum it. Bea Bea your latest thing that is driving me crazy is to throw your food on the floor and then complain that your hungry. I find this incredibly frustrating but try to remember that everything is a stage and you will grow out of this soon enough too. AS fast as the stages are going and sometimes you are glad to see them pass, I feel like everything is going too fast. When I hold up the tiny sleepers you wore when you got home from the hospital, I miss my tiny little babies. Now I have 20lb roasters.

Your dad and I made a promise to you when you were born that we would always look at you with joy, no matter how close to the end of my rope I try to show you that I love you unconditionally and that the only way to face life is with a smile. These days with how joyful you both are, you have made that promise really easy to keep.
You guys kill me and I love you


Monday, 11 August 2008

Are you f*^%king kidding me??

While I was still pregnant a friend of mine had a house party. Her, her boyfriend and their housemates are total hippies so I knew there would be pot smoking and political rants but one thing I didn't count on was the stack of Cosmic Brownies. Yes, do you remember high school when you would eat pot cookies? Well they have been up graded to brownies now.

As one of the party throwers brought the stack out he announce "Cosmic Brownies anyone?" and set them down on the table beside me. There was a minor rush for the table when I over heard a voice ask "are they vegan?"


(and no I didnt eat them, I was pregnant!!)

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Reedin n Ritin n Memberin

I was a student when I got pregnant and had to 'drop out'. The parents of the other students at the school thought I was a bad influence. My loose promiscuous behaviour. Getting knocked up mid term. They petitioned the school that I should leave before I started to 'show'.

Its all a lie but I love the controversy of it all......I was a student and I did drop out after two terms of hugeness. There was no point in me staying for the next term because the babes were due right in the middle of it. The program that I was in is VERY intense, jamming a degree into a fast track program. The difficulty of it was intensified by the sheer exhaustion of being pregnant with twins. I did manage keep 3.8 GPA but it took everything out of me. At the end of that second term, my busyness came to a grinding halt and it was strange to suddenly have too much time on my hands. This is something that I am not very good at so I took on projects that any other pregnant lady would have scoffed at. I painted my kitchen...yes 7 and a 1/2 months along and I am up on a step stool that could barely support my weight, painting my cabinets. I just knew that if it didn't get done now it was never going to get done. I also rearranged all the furniture on the second floor. We did have to find room for two cribs so this wasn't just pedantic craziness. And I washed every window in the house, inside and out. It was work that needed to be done and couldn't wait till my husband got home from work......

I also felt that I needed to read.....EVERYTHING. Maybe it was left over school busy feelings but I had to read everything I could get my hands on. I read the newspaper everyday and if you wanted to know anything about current events I was the one to ask. I also reread the entire Harry Potter series. Some of this was in anticipation of the seventh and final book coming out but mostly it was because I knew I wasn't going to have the opportunity to do again for a long time. Yes I suppose that I will read the books to the kids for bed time but that's not what I was doing. This was lying in bed, cold drink on the beside, dozing off if needed reading. Or lounging in the tub till the water got cold reading. When do people have the luxury of this kind of reading??

The point of all of this is that I haven't made it through a book in 9 month 1 week and 4 days. I have barely made it through a chapter. I have no idea what is going on in the world and in fact was told about a horrible event that happen in my own city by my mother who was in North Carolina at the time. This idle brain syndrome mixed with a survival on an amazingly little amount of sleep has made me stupid!!! The other day I was asked for my home phone number. I started to recite it and after getting through the area code I was completely stumped. I just stood there with a blank look on my face. The receptionist that needed it stared at me and after a minute asked if I was ok. I tried to make a joke of it that she would laugh at too but I was too worried about my own sanity to make it very funny. Then I remembered!!! My husband will know our phone number!! So I searched for my mobile....but I didn't have it and I wasn't about to ask the receptionist if I could use her phone to call him. And I couldn't recall his number either!!!! Finally after what felt like an hour of me standing there, she asked if any of my contact info had change but this time she spoke to me like I was mentally handicapped. She spoke slowly and enunciated carefully. No nothing has changed. Even as I wirte this I remember the whole event like it was yesterday......maybe it was yesterday! But I can't remember where I was.....a doctors office I think... I feel crazy for this but on the other hand, I am just too tired to really care!

Monday, 28 July 2008

A Whole 9 Momths Old

Dear Beatrice and Gabriel aka Cheeks and Freckle Butt,

I can't believe how fast the time is going. I know that every month I say that it has been my favorite month but this time it is the most true. You guys are so much fun right now.

Neither of you are crawling yet but you can really move. Bea you drag your legs behind you pushing with your arms and Gabe, you get every where is long loopy circles done with a combination of rolling and spinning on your tummy.

You are an age now that you are so much fun to show off. Bea Bea you are starting to act shy which is so weird cause you were passed around so much in the family because Gabe was sick. I have to admit I don't mind too much because your way of being shy is to hide your face in my neck and I love it.

The nap schedule is fully entrenched now, just in time for you to start growing out of it. Bea you love the schedule and will happily go to sleep for naps and bed time but Gabe you are fighting sleep every time. I think you are just having so much fun moving around and doing stuff that no matter how tired you get you want to keep going. You are a strong willed little bugger and will fight and fight but I always win by putting you in your crib. If you are tired you never last very long in there. One major change is you are sleeping through the night now. Your waking got later and later into the night until you were waking to eat about an hour before you would get up for the day which was a bit of a nightmare because you couldn't fall back to sleep after, too light outside. All this coincided with adding another meal of solids (making it three) and once we had more solid food going into you, you just didn't need the nighttime calories. Daddy and I spent two weeks bring a bottle to bed just in case but you really did just stop totally. And boy are you both hungry in the morning!!!

Gabe wins the first freckle contest. I have meant to mention this for a couple of months but Gabe you got the cutest freckle ever right on your butt. Right where mommy has one too. Your current nicknames are Freckle Butt, Big Head (you really do have a big head), Tuddy, Litttle Man (which always makes you smile) Mister Boy and Daddy calls you Little Buddy which I don't like.

Bea you are now Girl with a Curl, Chubb-its, Pinkerton Poodlepants (thanks to aunty Caity), Cheeks, Cups, Lil' Dirl, and Beetley Bea.
You both will occasionally get Fuss Butt, Stink Butt or Grumps.

And you both LOVE bubbles

You are both talking up a storm with Bea doing Nanananananana and Dadadadadadada and Gabe doing Babababababa and Mamamamamam. We thought at first that it was because we keep trying to get Mama and Dada out of you but then we realized that Bea is doing all the sounds that involve tongue to the roof of the mouth and Gabe is doing all sounds that involve the lips. And we wanted you to be calling us.
This week we have a pediatrician appt and will have a better idea of your weights and heights but I would place bets that you are both around 20 lbs now. And I love every ounce!!
love Mama

Monday, 14 July 2008

An invitation to Angelina Jolie

Dear Angelina,

Congratulations on the birth of your twins and welcome to the world of multiples!!

Twins are an crazy adventure and you will find they are totally different then your other children. They have a bond with each other that singletons never understand. And twins mothers have a bond with each other that mothers of single births never understand.

And this is my invitation to you. Toronto has a wonderful organization called TPOMBA (Toronto Parents Of Multiple Births Association). We have monthly neighbourhood meetings at different members houses to discuss anything and everything that challenges us as parents of multiples. There is a monthly newsletter full of advice and stories of other families and their challenges in managing life with twins. Twice a year we have used clothing sales that raises some money for the organization as well as a great place for bargins.

I know you have 4 other kids to manage so time is precious but please feel free to join us. Octobers meeting is at my place.


Saturday, 28 June 2008

8 whole momths

Dear Beatrice and Gabriel,

Another big month in the life of the Johnson Twins and I am tired. Yes you both are sleeping longer and longer and give plently of opportunity for us to sleep but so much happened this month that the awake time has been very busy.

Both of you are rolling all over the place. You are never in the same place I left you and I find myself chasing you all over the house. I don't know how I am going to handle crawling! Neither of you have figured out crawling yet but you both are really interesting in moving. Either with rolling or pushing yourself along on your backs with your feet. The sounds of your heads thumping against the hardwood floors makes me worry for your future careers but neither of you seem to mind.

And you both love to eat

You have started to piss eachother off by grabbing toys away from eachother which is a weird dynamic after you getting along so well up to now. The only trouble that we have had is Gabe pulling Beas hair but now that Gabes hair has grown in some, Bea, you're doing it right back.

I finally got you guys on a really good nap schedule and you were both happy clams. You would sleep better at night after having good naps all day and I could actually get a couple of things done during the day. This of course was all shot to hell with a case of the stomach flu that got everyone in this house including visiting Grampa Garwood. Gabe yours started on the monday night and I was up all night with you. By Tuesday afternoon I had it, Wednesday Bea and Grampa got it and Thursday Daddy started. For most of us it was really bad for a couple of days but Gabe is still suffering a week later. On Friday after being worried about your hydration we took you to Sick Kids. They made sure that it wasn't affecting your kidney and gave you IV fluids. You seemed to be feeling alot better for the next couple of days then another vomit Sunday and then another today, Tuesday. As tired as I am, I am mostly tired of worrying. (added later - this stomach bug then landed Gramma Sue and Grampa Lloyd and then aunty Caitlin. We are now calling Gabe patient zero)

It seems this month you have both almost mastered sitting up. Still a little wobbly but you both like sitting and usually only fall over when grapping for a toy. I bet you will both have this down by the end of the month.

Your very proud aunty Caitlin brought you some prezzies this month

And we bought you a wading pool for the back yard which you both have decided you like on a hot day

I think that everyone has moments in their lives that they wonder why these are the cards they had delt. Wonder why this is the path and it is only looking back that you can start to make sense of why. I wondered for a long time why I was in the restaurant business for so long...sure it was fast money for me but I also prided myself on how good I was at it. I have started to find reason for my well honed multitasking skills, for my ability to remember vast quanities of useless information for quick and easy recall. Unbeknownist to me I was going to be a parent of multiples and had to get good for the very complicated orders and demands of the most important customers of all.

love Mama

Friday, 20 June 2008

The return of mediocrity

I have been trying, really trying to come back to this. This is therapeutic for me and forces me to think it out, finish it and not stew....if that make any sense at all. Truth is I think we have only just got this babies thing under control and I fear that even that is only temporary. As fast as you find ways to solve challenges they grow out of it and on to something else. They are sleeping better and we seem to have some sort of schedule organized for them that works. But everyday is different and this sweet spot won't last.

Having kids is hard, especially two at once when you no previous work experience in this field. But the really hard part is how much it changes everything....not just "wow now I'm a mommy" but now your husband/partner/lover/thingy is a daddy and you have to deal with them getting use to that as much as they have to deal with you getting use to your new title as well. The best part of this life challenge is it is done with a painful lack of sleep, a sore healing body and hardly any other social life but your husband/partner/lover/thingy to commiserate with.

I have to admit, I am struggling with the change in the dynamics of my relationship with my husband/partner/lover/thingy. We have been 'married' for over 7 years and this is the first really BIG change we have had. We are counting on each other for very different things now and I can't help but mourn for the loss of what was. The hardest part of all this is that it was never considered. With our struggles with fertility the focus was always on whether we would ever get pregnant, not what would happen when we did! Suddenly we hit JACKPOT babies and our marriage is reeling. We are still tired and need to honour that about eachother but most of all we have to remember what a gift it is to find someone that makes the decision everyday that they want to wake up with you again tomorrow

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Seven Momths

Dear Beatrice and Gabriel,

Today you turn 7 months old. I am still amazed by how fast the time is going. As parents of twins we spend so much time ‘managing’ you guys that we don’t get a lot of time to step back and enjoy you. I have been trying very hard to do this. You are both turning onto amazing little people. I think this month you have done the most changes of all the months so far.

You both are officially turning over regularly and on purpose. Now that I see you guys doing it, all the other times were accidental destinations after lots of wiggling. Bea Bea, because you sleep on your tummy and are so strong at raising your head you like to turn over when we are playing on the floor. You can lift yourself up on your elbows and play with a toy. Gabe, you have a harder time with this. I think the fact that you have had such limited tummy time with the surgery and ostomy this is a little slow going for you. The fact that you have an enormous head doesn’t help either. You will play on your tummy for a little while and when your get tired you rest your head on the floor. I always turn you back on your back so you can keep playing.

Dad and I have been giving you both loud chewy kisses since you were born and of course it is one of the first this you have both learned how to do. Both of you have been lunging at our faces with your mouths wide open. Once there we get either a wet open mouth lick or sometimes an open month suck. Either way we are wet with sloppy kisses and I love it!!

This month we moved you into your own room. I have to admit I had been looking forward to not sneaking into my own bedroom every night. I have always needed to read before falling asleep and this was impossible with you two asleep in there when it was my bed time. Once we had moved the cribs into your room, our room looked empty and lonely. Both Dad and I ended up feeling sad that this stage of your life was already over. This is when I can’t believe how fast the time goes and how I don’t want to miss a thing.

We have started eating solids, well cereal and you both love it. I thought for sure that Bea Bea would be more into it because she was showing more signs of being ready to eat but once we got the food out Gabe you had no trouble eating at all and was everywhere! I think you both like the oatmeal cereal best so far and in a couple of days we start fruits and veg. Feeding you guys is fun although very messy and takes forever to clean up. Once I have you strapped in your chairs you both get so excited that we are going to eat that you bounce up and down and rap you fists against the highchair tray.

The struggle this month as been naps. It is true that now that sleep is more organized that both of you don’t cry very often any more. We were letting you get too tired before we would start the sleep ritual. Bea, you seem to have taken to this the most and have enjoyed going to sleep more then ever. No more screaming fights to sleep. Tonight in fact, you wiggled and wiggled in my arms and I thought that it was the beginning of the meltdown but you just wanted me to put you in your bed to fall asleep and not hold you till you did. This is VERY different then just a couple of days ago. Gabe, you don’t like the new routine and have been very unhappy about it. Your naps have gotten worse but your night time sleep has gotten better. You are still getting up once to eat but it is getting later and later and neither of you are fussing at all during the night. Dad and I are just starting to feel human again. Keep up the good work you two.

This month you both are trying to conquer sitting up. You can both do the tripod sit (leaning forward with you hands on the floor) with some success but you both fall to one side occasionally. This has made playing so much more fun. Today I had both of you sitting leaning against my legs and you took turns grabbing each others faces and giving wet kisses. You guys are crazy about each other and Dad and I are crazy about you.


Sunday, 27 April 2008

6 momths is half a year

Dear Bea and Gabe,

Today you are 6 months old. This has been my favorite month by far. You both have done so much changing and have gotten to be so much fun. You are true little chunkers now. You doctors appointment was on Friday and Bea, you weighted 16 lbs and Gabe you were 15lbs 9oz, still about 6 oz separating you. The doctor says that you are both strong and doing very well.

This month has been full of so much. You are both jumping in the bumper jumpers with the help of a couple of blankets to keep you tightly packed in. Bea you watch the pets while you stand there, turning on your toes to watch them walk by. One day they started playing and you started laughing your head off. They really make you laugh. Gabe, you act like the jumping is a job, so serious. Occasionally your neck gets tired of holding up that huge head and you fuss while resting it on the front of the bumper jumper but you keep jumping……work work work… My job while you are jumping is to say “Bea Bea goes boing boing boing………Gabey goes boing boing boing” This makes you both happy and continue bouncing.

6 months is when babies start to turn over. You are both working on it but this has always been Gabe's strength. You have been turning on to your side for a while now but never making it to your tummy. I haven’t had to worry about either of you making any serious moves and I could lay you on the bed and leave you there knowing that you would be in the same place when I got back to you. Well this month that changed. Bea is creeping up in her crib, slowly smashing your head on the headboard. But Gabe, you threw yourself off the bed while I was making bottles. I heard a terrible thud, silence and then you started to cry. The strange part is I found you on your back on the floor with your head the furthest from the bed. I am still trying to figure out how you fell.

This month your dad and I had to move you into separate cribs. As much as I knew it was time to do this I was reluctant to do it because I thought you would miss each other. I couldn’t be more wrong. You are both sleeping so much better now. Gabe you had become a real flapper, thumping your fists and feet against the mattress. I know this woke Bea up occasionally……geez it wakes me up.

You are talking to each other and I swear you guys know what you are saying. Whatever is being said is funny because you are both doing a lot of laughing. You entertain each other so much. I love how much you love each other.

The struggle of the month has been trying to get you guys on a nap schedule. The bedtime schedule is working out great and you both are usually asleep for the night by 8:30. This gives dad and I a small moment to eat dinner and get ready for the next day before we crash for the night.

You are my little peach head and drooly monster

love Mama

Thursday, 3 April 2008

5 Momths Cute

Dear Bea and Gabe,

Last week you turned 5 months old. I am VERY late writing this and I am sorry. WE have had lots of visitors the last couple of weeks. First it was Gramma and now your cousin Amy is here. Again you both have been busy changing and growing. Last Friday we had your monthly doctors appointment and Gabe you weighed 14 lbs with Bea just ahead at 14 lbs 6 oz. This means that Gabe is catching up on you Bea!! We think that Gabe had a huge growth spurt and stretched out some of his chubbiness this week, your diapers are loose around your hips and you seem so long. We use to be able to hold each of with one arm, your little body stretching from elbow to wrist but now it takes both arms and all my strength.

This month we have started a night night schedule. Gabe you are up for anything and besides getting up once a night to eat you tolerate the bath, massage and warm bottle. Then you close your eyes and go to sleep. Very rarely do you complain. Bea you fight sleep. You like the bath and kick your feet and you even like the massage and songs we sing while we do it but as soon as I lay you back and we are having our night night bottle you start to cry. You know that we expect you to sleep next and you HATE falling sleep. You don't want to miss a thing. I'd like to think the schedule helping. You are asleep now!!

You both have done lots of changing this month. You guys are becoming so much fun!! This month you have discovered each other and love to sit looking at each other. You just sit there smiling at each other. I love to watch. We have also started reading you books and it is amazing how you sit looking at the pictures and listening. It's strange but you are like little people now.

Bea, you started laughing, true belly laughs and luckly we got it on tape. I was playing with you and you just started laughing. I called to cousin Amy and she grabbed the camera. I am so glad we caught this moment on tape. I have watched it a bunch of times and every time it makes me laugh more. We tried to show you the tape, thinking that you would like it, you like staring at the the TV so why wouldn't you like to watch video of yourself but it just made you cry. You are also showing signs of being ready for solidish food. You watch me eat and when I put a spoon to your mouth you opened your mouth. Dad and I have bought some cereal for you but I would like to wait. They say you should wait till 6 months old and I have even been told to wait till you are 6 months past your full term date which would mean waiting till you are 7 and a half months but you just seem almost ready. You have also started having real tears when you cry which just makes it all the harder for us to watch. You are also kickin the cutest mohawk in town.

Gabe your not interested at all in food and I don't want to rush your tummy any way. You are ahead of Bea physically. You can already roll over on to your side, and grab things and put them in your mouth. You never did roll over again like you did at the Mommy's reunion, I guess it was an accident. But your absolute favorite thing in the world is looking out the window. You love the trees and sky. If ever you are fussy I just walk you to a window and you calm right down. You are going to be a little camping outdoor guy like your Daddy maybe??

I make sure that our bedtime routine ends with me telling you that I love you so it is the last thing you hear every night and I plan on keeping that routine for a long time.


Monday, 17 March 2008

Sacifrices and Surrender

No matter how much you love your children and no matter how much you know that the decision to have them was the right one, you still wonder what if...... What if I had taken the other option?? What if I let the fertility issue win and choose just to follow a career path. Would I have been more aggressive in choosing?? More determined on the path? I will never know, maybe I just always knew that I would be a stay at home mommy and that would be my small difference in the world. But is it enough??

I have to admit I am getting antsy. I feel like my 'job' in this life is much bigger than this and I am wasting time. I just keep remembering what Madonna said in her first interview after having Lourdes, her first baby. The interview asked her what she had learned since having a baby. Her answer was that she had learned to surrender. That babies are not to be controlled but enjoyed and to enjoy the moment. This is my current surrender and be in the moment. What is your current lesson??

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Four Momths

Dear Bea and Gabe,

You both just get cuter all the time and so much fun. Every noise and bit of cuteness I make note of in my head. I want to remember to tell you about it but alas having you both means that I get very little sleep and I am very forgetful.

Both of you are reaching out to touch things. Bea, you like the octopus and Gabe you are partial to the stuff animals, especially Douglas, your camel. Both of you now are responding to our faces, much to your dads delight. Bea you will smile all day if we smile at you, sticking your tongue out if we do it and Gabe you like to do eyebrows up and down with daddy.

This was a busy month for the family. We did a week long trip to Ottawa and stayed with Grandma and Grandpa. We packed the two of you into the Pack n Play every night and you both slept better then you ever have at home……..we are still trying to figure out why this is. Maybe you just got spoiled by all the attention and were exhausted by the end of the day. You both traveled well and slept most of the time but would get frustrated if the trip was taking too long. In Ottawa we went to your cousin Krissy’s baby shower to welcome baby Logan to the world. He is a little guy too born at 33 weeks. You guys stole the show when we showed up, stealing all the attention away from Krissy and Logan. We also got a great picture of you with your great Granny Marion. You two are the new ‘twins’ in the family.

This month was also the end of Gabe’s on going medical troubles. Dad and I were looking forward to the reversal since you got healthy and were excited that it would soon be all over but I don’t think either of us realized how big the last few months have been. It is exactly this time last year that we started the IVF process and were only dreaming of you guys. This past year has been a rollercoaster of happiness, fear and excitement and as soon as your surgery was over Gabe I cried for an hour. Just the relief that finally I have my healthy babies and can enjoy being a mommy instead of all the fears of parenting. We are having a party this weekend to celebrate.


Monday, 28 January 2008

Three Momths

Dear Beatrice and Gabriel

Yesterday you turned 3 months old. What a busy month you have had!

You were very lucky, and so were dad and I, to have your great aunt Mary Jean come and visit for two weeks. It is always amazing to see how other family reacts to you two. She would sit all day holding one of you and enjoying your every movement and breath. I haven’t watch you that closely other than to make sure your breathing or don’t have a fever, all the things that Moms worry about. But to watch her just get a kick out of you reminded me to do the same. So I have been paying close attention.

Gabe this month you turned over. I think it was a bit of an accident because you haven’t done it since but I watched you do it. I had gone to a reunion of the Mommys from the nursery and had put you down in the play-pen. The bumper pads had black and white pictures of geometric shapes and you were mesmerized. You strained your neck to look at them and eventually pulled yourself all the way over to have a better look. Once you were on your tummy with your arm trapped under you you got upset and started to cry. I was proud and showed you off. You have also started to find your voice. Bea has always been the very vocal one but this month, in fact this week, you have started ‘talking’. Lots of ‘goos’, ‘agoos’ and ‘doos’. It is so nice to hear your little elf voice. In a couple of days we have your doctors appointment to find out when your surgery will be. Your dad and I can’t wait for all of this to be over but at the same time I don’t want to ever leave you at the hospital again. The idea that you may suffer at all is painful to me. I just try to keep in mind how much more comfortable you will be when this is finally all over.

Bea, you are still charming everyone with your comedy. You make everyone laugh with all your busyness and noise. You are our little Raptor. Some of your sounds are exactly like the Raptors in the movie Jurassic Park. You are also VERY cuddly and want to be snuggled all the time. The baby development books all say that some babies start laughing by 3 months. As much as your dad and I try to make you and Gabe laugh, you guys just aren’t there yet but a couple of days ago you started laughing in your sleep. It makes perfect sense that my little comedian is making herself laugh in her dreams. It was the most amazing sound and I want to hear it again. I just wish I knew what you were dreaming about.

You are both growing like crazy and this month you actually grew out of clothes. I have had to start a pile of clothes to pass on to newer babies which is strange because for what felt like ages I had the freshest babies around.

And like every month I am sure for the rest of my life, I can’t believe how much I love you.


Wednesday, 23 January 2008

When it pours..

Although I haven't left a lot of details of the stresses of the past few couple of months I have left small morsels to whet the pallet if misery is the company you seek. But to brighten your day really things are ok and we are actually looking towards more sleep and some modicum of sanity again. The only real fear at this point is that on February 1st we have a follow up appointment with general surgery at Sick Kids to schedule the next and final (fingers crossed) procedure for Gabe. I am sooooo excited about this appointment!! To finally get this all over with and have a regular normal baby again brings me unending peace and joy. Getting through the procedure itself will be very stressful, he will be in the hospital for 4 or 5 days and will have to go without food for a couple of those....if you can imagine the nightmare of NOT feeding you 3 month old for a couple of days. Not to mention trying to spend time at the hospital when you have another infant to deal with. I don't want to expose Bea to the germs and illnesses you can catch at a hospital while visiting her brother. I guess there is no point in getting too worried about it until I actually know whats going on.

BUT thats not all. To add insult to injury we had yet another HUGE stress this month. The dear love of my life went and TOTALLED the car. Yes, he turned it into a mass of bent metal and walked away pretty much uninjured, thank god (small 'g' because really, it was the airbags that 'saved' him) .

I can't pass the drivers test but some stupid tart pulled out in front of him without looking, making a left. Dear husband smashed into her drivers side door crumpling the door around her and trapping her in the car. Lucky the door had only crumpled around her clothing and has missed flesh. They should've left her there and made her fend for herself, trying to tear and remove the clothing with her stupid teeth but this is a major city and they need their roadways. Besides her husband was in the car too and probably would've complained. The point of this story is that we have had to go car shopping with the smallest of small insurance paid for rentals that doesn't fit car seats. My darling husband is tall enough that he just barely fit in the car without removing the drivers seat and driving from the back seat so the idea of cramming two huge infant carseats in too was out of the question. So almost a full week of lost wages later and shopping around we are now the very cool owners of a MINIVAN!!! The sexy beast that the father of my children is, he just kicked it up a notch by driving a MPV with two car seats in it. Too bad for you ladies, he's taken!!