Saturday, 9 June 2007

Full Circle

There is something about being told that you are pregnant that makes you an instant Mama. You have to start acting 'Mamaish' to test out the new job title. There are a few things that have always been 'mamalike' about me, including that for years I was the friend that everyone turned to when things went wrong, needed a place to stay, someone to listen etc. I have saved alot of people. But a few years ago I had to stop. After a horrible stretch of locked in the house anxiety attacks I decided I had to do something. I started to study Buddhism and started listening to me and stopped listening to everyone else. I had to, everyone was stressing me out. When I stopped and only worried about me, I was a better me. I could enjoy everything about life more, I saw the details.

I know two people that have had a hard go lately and they are the only ones that I have let in. That I will listen to because their pain is real. One is my cousin and the other is my best friend. They both deserve and need the mama in me and she will be here as long as they need her but in truth, their recent troubles have shown me how far I have come. By getting quiet I put my feet on the ground, by getting quiet I found that I really don't care that much how many other people like me, by getting quiet I got really good at making boarders and bounderies of what is acceptable in my life. By getting quiet I think I finally figured out what really does make me happy instead of what I have been told makes you happy. I had been so busy trying to be bigger and louder thinking it would make me more someone I liked that I stopped listening to what I was saying and in truth what I needed. Sometimes I think this is why my favorite girls are in pain. Maybe we all just have to be really really quiet for a while. Stop listening to what other people claim will make us happy, stop worrying about what hasn't happened that is suppose to make us happy, stop trying so hard to live up to crazy expectations, most of which if we thought really hard about it were forced on us by someone else. Just stop.

I figured out what makes me happy, the smell of clean laundry, fresh cut grass especially if there is camomile in it. Really laughing, out loud when you can barely breathe and have tears in your eyes, this happens so rarely that I actually remember the last couple of times and can still laugh about it. The sound of a baby laughing, the way my husband looks at me when I make him laugh. My dog running, the way she smells and her ears. Really good books, the one that you just can't put down. The way the wind sounds in the trees on a hot day. My bed. Being under water. Bagels with good cream cheese. The first sip of tea or coffee in the morning. People watching. Shoes. Getting real mail. Being good at something, anything. Saturday mornings. Dancing. Long walks. Singing along with a song you know all the words to. Silence. If I get one of these things everyday for the rest of my life I will be happy and none of them were what I had originally been looking for.

Comments

CJane
Love. It's all for you. And thanks, for everything.

8:58
OMG, I just read this. Yer so smart, beautiful and my favorite person in the world. I am right behind you. Quiet...hmmmm...then my head starts making noise.One of the last times I had one of those make-you cry-belly hurts laughs was with you. :) It's all good. Your two favorite girls have landed on their feet, it just might seem like we have drank a bottle of rum at times..never could have done it without your love and acceptance with ZERO expectations. There is something to be said for someone who will let you fall flat on your face, and stay there, and say nothing.You and I both have chased the same crazy notion of making dead people proud of us; it is time to make us proud of us; or hell, not making anybody proud.Much Love to a cousin who is so much more a sister and best friend...Peace Out,Cuz, The Elder