Friday, 19 October 2007

The Twilight Zone

There is a moment, does everyone have it? Before you are totally awake that life hasn't set in yet. You have just opened your eyes but the reality of your life hasn't started.

I remember when I was had just separated from my first husband, that that 30 seconds of ignorance was the best of my day. Then the weight of the pain and sadness would settle in and the dread of the facing the day being only part of what you use to be. Rebuilding that part took a long time and maybe still isn't done, at least the shame stays.

Now I have a completely different experience. When I first wake up, that 30 seconds doesn't remember that I am pregnant, that 30 seconds doesn't remember that my whole world is about to be turned up side down and I am just me in the dim with the sound of a fan. I could be 5 years old or still a teenager or as life settles in realize that I am very old and at the end of my journey. But in that few seconds, as the hard drive reboots, I'm really ok and then I try to move and the weight of my belly reminds me and I much more then ok.......

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