Monday, 11 December 2006

To breed or not to breed

It's late and I can't sleep. I am feeling overwhelmed.....and for some reason mad. I few posts ago I mentioned that I have the opportunity to return to school. My amazing spouse has offered to look after our finances if I want to 'continue my education' This is a huge gift and one that I offered to him two years ago and he took. Our plan was always to take turns, he went first because he knew what he wanted to take and because I, at that time, made more money then him and could conceivably pay for our lives. He will graduate top of his class in April. So now it is my turn.

In anticipation I have been investigating anything and everything that interests me, seeing if any of them will see me through 2, 3 and sometimes 4 years of study. I posted that I was looking into becoming a teacher, something that has always interested me and people have told me that I would be good at. But after a long look at, I decided against for various reasons. I have now started the process of applying to design school. Every class description interests me and I am getting really excited about the possibilities. I start in April and I can't wait!
Three years ago I found out that I am unable to get pregnant naturally due to scar tissue that distroyed my fallopian tubes. The scar tissue is as a result of a infection when I was 8 years old. There was and is nothing I can do to change or fix this. Our only chance of have children is through In-vitro Fertilization or adoption. I have always wanted children and this was a huge blow, especially finding out only after trying to get pregnant for over a year. Now I am 34, at 35 the chances of a successful pregnancy start to decline and I am mad.

I have something I want to do, something for me. After 15 years of hating what I do for a living, I have an opportunity to change that. To be proud and look forward to my workday. And the sound of a clock ticking is so loud that I feel sick. It feels like I have to put my dreams on the backburner again for someone else. Someone that doesn't even exist yet. I know that children are a huge gift, they teach you your capacity for love and change all your priorities but the only advantage I have had over the natural process of getting pregnant is the ability to plan exactly when I want to be pregnant and now that has been taken away from me. Now instead I have to chase a ticking clock? Would I feel this pressure if we could get pregnant naturally? I just want to have this dream of school all to myself for a while. I don't want to start school with plans for leaving before it's over. I'm not asking that I start my new career before we consider kids again just that I can enjoy going back school and the excitment of that without the pressure of procreation.

Currently reading : The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies By Randine Lewis Release date: January, 2004

Having a child and going to school do not necessarily cancel each other out. Start the schooling. You can go to classes while pregnant, if that's the case. And you can continue classes in the evenings while your partner is home with the babe. Afternoon naps and part of wk. ends can be set aside for homework. Also, if you have some (and it would have to be 'some', not all) classes during the day, there are always babysitting trade offs with other moms. This only means that your degree may take a little longer.....not the end of the world
Buck up girl.
I'm with (I'm assuming) Finn. Go to school, have a baby, do it all. We have faith in your amazing abilities, Em. And I will be back in Toronto before you know it and will help you out in every way I can. You have an awesome support system, take advantage of it!

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