Saturday, 20 October 2007

Tight Fit

I am almost 32 weeks pregnant now and from what I have read it is supposed to be getting tight in there for the little guys. They say you won't feel such intense movement but should still feel squirming. I still feel tons of movement from both of them and in fact often think that they have challenged each other to wrestling matches.

Other Moms have warned me that this was the hardest time for them. The waiting in that last couple of weeks. But now that I know that they are OK and big and healthy, I don't worry as much as I did around 16 weeks. For me that was the hardest time.
At 16 weeks I started to bleed. Hubs and I rushed to the hospital to be told after a very long wait that there is nothing they could do if I was loosing the pregnancy. The babies aren't viable yet...........aren't viable...what a strange way to refer to life. There was some peace in the nonviable 'ness' of it all. Not that I had a way out because going through that door was too painful to even imagine but I wasn't totally sold on being pregnant. I thought we would walk through the doors at emergency and they would rush to me, whisking me away and hooking me up to machines that go 'ping' and I would feel the sheer importance of what I was doing but we sat in the waiting room for 6 hours. Their response confirmed how I felt about the whole pregnancy thing, stunned, shocked and unable to respond appropriately. It was the longest 6 hours of my life, everything about that moment decided what our future held. Do I prepare for all the pain of loss or do I prepare for all the worry of figuring out what is wrong. Am I prepared to deal with either of those?

24 hours later we walked out of emergency with no answers. The bleeding has slowed down and the babies were fine. They had no idea. We went through it all again 5 days later and they still didn't know and they still weren't 'viable'. One doctor was kind and summed it up, she said that even with all the medical advances, embryology is still relatively unknown and most of it is still magic. Why did that sit better with me then anything else I had been told? Maybe because the conception of these babies was so medical? Just to have one scrap of 'magic' in this pregnancy changed everything. I stopped feeling like a medical petrie dish and like something magic was happening and maybe for the first time realize how much against the odds these beings are determined to be here and I needed to trust the magic. And then the real magic happened, I started to feel like a mom.

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