Thursday, 18 October 2007

The gestational whims of the human female

Pregnancy is weird and sometimes very gross. Some of this is covered in the book 'The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy' which I would recommend to anyone that is thinking that getting pregnant would be a good way to keep their boyfriend. It should be mandatory reading for all high school girls.

But the stuff they can't cover is the stuff that is going to be specific to you. The gross "Emily is pregnant" specials. Like, what is this valve thingy under my left rib that blubs and gurgles every time I eat or drink or lean back. With every swallow of liquid I can feel it and hear it.

Or why are my ankles soooo swollen? Not my whole leg or even my feet but my ankles. Like I have flesh colored weights around my ankles for controlled yet affective workouts. I get bruising from socks that are a little too tight.

Or why my sudden penchant for cankers? It doesn't matter what I eat or drink, I get cankers. I can get them bad enough that my whole tongue will feel swollen and too big for my mouth. Like my tongue is pregnant too.

Extra body hair.....everywhere!! I have always been fairly consistent about staying on top of my grooming practices and for the last maybe 7 years this has included pulling the occasional hair out of my chin. This has become especially true since I started having thyroid problems, but pregnancy seems to exacerbate this problem. They grow faster and darker and in truth it isn't just the chin hairs.............ALL your hair get thicker and grows faster.....ALL of your hair, even the hair that you can no longer see.....wink wink.....One night while laying in the tub I was trying to peak over my huge tummy to see what had become of what I could only assume was pubic hair biker shorts. I could only see the very tips of the hairs. My husband caught me doing this and when I explained how much of it I could see, his reply with wide eyes was "that's only the canopy of the forest babe"

I won't even go into the acne, constipation, hemorrhoids, or the huge quantities vaginal discharge. If that doesn't keep your boyfriend around I don't know what else will!!!

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