Wednesday, 22 August 2007

my funny boner

I want to remember all the funny things that have made me laugh, like really laugh! The stuff that is just as funny when you think of it years later.

1. Its the 80's and I am in highschool and going over to my friend Stephanie's house after school. She lives on Ward's Island, one of the islands of Toronto Islands. We are in line for the ferry. There are two rockers in front of us. Both in tight jeans, jean jackets and mullets. One of them has a licence plate sewn to the back of his jacket and an ac/dc patch. If you don't live in Toronto, the one thing you might not know is the 'Toronto Islands' are islands..........meaning they are not attached at the main land!! The ferry is the only way to get there (although there has been an ongoing political battle to build a bridge) There are 4 or 5 islands, Hanlands Point, Ward's Island, Centre Island, amung others. The ferry is running a little late. Rocker 1 "Fuck man this sucks" Rocker 2 "Fuck the Ferry, we'll walk to Centre Island, have a joint on the way" I still use this saying when it it time to leave somewhere.

2. I am sitting in the livingroom of the house I grew up in. I am with Stephanie (same girl from above) and Caitlin. We are talking about our favorite toys when we were kids. I tell them all about my Barbie obsession that would continue till today if it was cool among the 30 something set. I had Golden Dream Barbie, Active Sports Barbie and Pretty in Pink Barbie,Wonder Woman, a Ken doll and a bunch of others. Steph had one Barbie only and her dog chewed the boobs off of it. Caitlin asked which Barbie it was, "was it Radical Mastectomy Barbie?"

3. This past Christmas I gave my cousin Noah a new 'Moleskin' notepad and nice pen. I give him this almost every year because I know he uses it and likes it. Other years it is a good book. This year someone asked what 'moleskin' was, and because I am a smart ass, I said that it is the oily skin that is left in the toilet after a terrible crap. Noah countered with "No, I think that is a 'bowlskin'"

4. My husband Mike and I have a couple of friends over on a Sunday afternoon. One of them, Graham, is a terrible smartass and always has loads of gossip and funny stories for us. We hadn't seen him in a couple of years so he was full of funny stories. Some how the topic of his exgirlfriends come up and why he still has trouble with women. My husband asks why he split up with Karen*, she was a really nice girl. Our other friend Scott remembers Karen and knew her family a little. Graham says he had to break up with her after seeing her mother, who didn't age well and knew what he had to look forward to in Karen. This started a litany of ugly jokes, Graham, Mike and I trying to out do eachother, "tears had to run down the back of her head for fear of crossing her face", "chewing your own arm off to escape in the morning", "If I had a dog that looked like her I would shave it's ass and teach it to run around backwards", back and forth, back and forth, laughing harder and harder every time. Scott, who has be quiet this whole time says "I met her Mom and she was really nice"...................silence...................Mike "I don't get it"
*name changed

5. I am a great watcher of people. And not in a snobby way, get a huge kick out of what people will leave the house thinking is acceptable to wear in public. One of my favorite things are bad t'shirts. I was on the streetcar going through Chinatown a couple of days ago and there was a big burley guy walking down the street, he has on a plain black t'shirt and jeans but was interesting to watch so I watched him as he walked by. It wasn't until his back was to me that I realized that he had his T'shirt on backwards. "WISH YOU WERE HERE" with a big arrow pointing to his ass. Wrong neighbourhood!!

6. Grammpa gets on the bus. He has his bowling bag with him, he is on his way to the lanes. He shuffles slowly, his feet never living the gorund. The bus driver waits till he is seated before moving forward. He sits opposite me, he is wearing a navy blue t'shirt that says "Bad MO FO" on the front.

7. Travelling home from school one day I am sitting close to the front of the streetcar. A lady gets on with her 7 year oldish daughter. She sits near the front too but mostly because he daughter has struck up a conversation with the driver. After a few stops of the daughter being in the way of new passengers trying to get on, her mom tries quietly to get her to come sit down "Tequila come sit down"......pause....."TEQUILA leave the driver alone and come sit down".....Tequila???

I'll add'em as I think of them

Currently reading : The Undomestic Goddess By Sophie Kinsella Release date: 25 April, 2006

Thursday, 16 August 2007


I have had a very strange week. Nothing has changed, our future is still our future but the news we got has left me heartbroken. I haven't shed one tear, it felt unnesessary but my horoscope for this week made me cry.............

Virgo Horoscope for week of August 16, 2007
Jaeyana Beuraheng, a mother of eight, decided to travel from her small village in southern Thailand to Malaysia for a day-long shopping trip. But she accidentally boarded the wrong bus, transferred to another wrong bus, and ended up in a distant city where everyone spoke a language she didn't understand. Her money ran out, and she started begging in the streets. Accused of being an illegal immigrant, she was given shelter in a social services hostel. Years went by. Finally three people from her village visited the hostel by chance, and she was able to communicate in her native tongue. Through their assistance, she went home. The moral of the story, as far as you're concerned, is this: Whatever wrong turn you made, and however long ago it was, you're ready to go back home.

Friday, 10 August 2007

To Do List

To Do List

I have been feeling an incredible sense of duty to get stuff done. Like I have been told that I only have 6 months to live or that I will lose all my memory so I better document the important things now.

1. I have a huge pile of books on my bedside table that I just have to read in the next 3 months, none of them baby books.

2. The whole house has to be spotlessly clean and organized. I have been tearing apart closets and reorganizing everything.

3. Laundry!!!....why is there always so much laundry??

4. I am having some weird padantic need to have all the carpets cleaned.
5. That mountain of paperwork (bills, reciepts, school documents) that never seem to be filed................NEED TO BE FILED

6. All the rooms that I want to paint, need to be painted in the next few weeks but I'm not allowed to do it, so someone else has to come over and paint my house, in the fashion and with the attention to detail that I would use in painting my house.

7. The box of pictures that we never put in photo albums needs to be done.

8. We are two years behind on our taxes because there is a ton of crap to go through to document 2005 and my attempt at running my own business.

9. We need new lamps in our bedroom. The two we have in there were great at the old house but here and the slanty ceilings, they reflect the light to much and if one of us is reading it is like to trying to sleep in the outfield of a baseball game. We need something smaller, wall mounted and shoots the light down just for the person on that side of the bed.

10. We need to get the carseats preperly installed in the car but this needs to be timed right. If we do it too soon, we will never be able to drive a third person or much stuff in the back seat because it will be taken up with the seat bases (the part you never remove) But we also have to get it done before there is any possible chance of the babies coming because they won't release us from the hospital without them.

11. I am feeling some panic about catching up on all the tv that I want to watch when the new season starts. Now that we have a PVR I can actually commit to a program and see that commitment through. My darling husband and I love LOST and managed to watch the first season on DVD but never was able to follow the second season when it started that fall. We always forget when that stuff is on and have missed two weeks of it before we remember that we like that show. So now we have been renting the second season and I hope to watch the third before the new one starts this fall. They are starting their fourth season this fall right??

12. I have knitting to do. What kind of new parent would I be if I didn't make them something when I have made all the other new babies stuff??

13. Hot bath, why don't I ever have time to take a hot bath??

I am pretty sure you have lost your mind.... :) 3 months, really, holy crap!