Tuesday, 24 July 2007


The hardest part of a divorce or break up is the loss the future. All the plans and things you could count on, like them being around. Now what??

On Sunday I got an update on a woman who has been my very good friend and support buddy through the IVF and pregnancy process. I hadn't heard from her in a while and have to admit that I had worried. Last week at 19 weeks pregnant she lost her twins. 19 weeks of plans and dreams and counting on that they would be around. 19 weeks!! 19 weeks. Such a short amount of time but enough time that you plan the rest of your life on it. You plan on change and upset and sleepless nights, you plan on the chaos and tons of laughter. 19 weeks of wondering what they look like, smell like and what their name is. 19 weeks of hope and excitment. 19 weeks is 4 and half months. Really no time at all but just enough to get really attached to the idea and fall in love.

I am 19 weeks pregnant.............


OK, all very valid points, BUT your friend, I am sure, has issues that you DON'T. Remember your ability to carry and keep has never been the issue...I have decided that it is impossible to live your life in fear of attachment, if you want to enjoy life anyway. Loss sucks to be sure, but the build up, the anticipation and the completion of MOST our dreams makes it all worth it. And in 6 days you will be 20 weeks. :) Damn, it feels good to be on the other side of this conversation! You will be fine, CUZ I said so! It's all good.

Friday, 13 July 2007

walk, stroll and run!!!

How come buying a stroller is so hard?? It has been made so difficult that even when you make a decision you are destined to wonder if that decision was the right one.

The features are overwhelming, parent organizing tray with cup holder, duel rear brakes, all terraine tires, reclinable seats to 2, 3, or 4 positions, storage below for 'x' amount of gallons, safe up to 'x' amount of pounds, 14 colour choices, 8 fabrics, fits one or two car seats, skylight viewers, steering wheel, vented canopy top, equipt with umbrella, diaper bag, with or without deluxe healthy care??, 3 or 5 point harness, rear and front facing seats, one-hand fold with storage latch, Universal anchorage system (UAS), Aluminum frame, and then I poke my own eyes out with the easy front adjustments and strangle myself with the comfortable wide shoulder straps.

Thursday, 12 July 2007

Bone Tired

I'm tired. The kind of tired where I'm too tired to worry about what I should be doing but too tired to sleep. I just can't think.

Life isn't easy right now but there is nothing I can do about it. I am currently learning the hardest lesson of my life, faith in the universe and giving the responsibility to someone else, or a better way of say it, having faith in others. I have never been a religious person, I have always thought that Christianity would be great if it wasn't for the Christians, but I have always been a person of great faith, or so I thought.

Pregnancy asks you to believe. To believe in your body, the magic of creation and the simple belief that everything will be ok. The latter is the hardest for me. I can't believe everything will be ok, there have been too many bumps on this road and I'm not allowed to steer or look out the windsheild and I'm tired. Even my ever faithful spouse is at the end of his faith rope which has always seemed endless and given me security. Maybe he is tired too.

How can I have faith when this body that seemed so determined to have these babies is now failing all three of us. It can't keep up with us and it is weak and injured. All I can do is rest it and tell it how this isn't forever, we just have to make it to the finish line. I have to tell it to have faith, I think it hears the disbelief in my voice.

Currently reading : Time's Witness By Michael Malone Release date: April, 2002