Friday, 22 December 2006

Santa Baby

I have been working my butt off. Pulling 50-55 hours a week on the Christmas party teet. Like an old boyfriend, I had romantized the hospitality industry, remembering all the good ol'times. I really had forgotten how much it just really f*^%ing sucks. This tired old bod just can't do it anymore.

All this and trying to get ready for Christmas. I made a very clear list of what the spouse and I need to do to be ready for the holiday and I can't decide if it feels like we will be ready. The fact that I am writing this at 3 a.m. and way past tired that I am almost awake again.....well maybe you can see where this is leading.

But I did it!!!! After so much begging from the spouse, I got him his DREAM Christmas present. The best part is he has no idea. I kept telling him we should save up. He had been begging for a new digital camera for 2 years. Ever since he drove away with the last one on the roof of the car. He insists this is not what happened, but that the car cleaners stole it when we returned the rental car. So I have been saving up on the sly. The deal was that we were going to wait and get a nice one, not a point and shoot, not just a cheapy charlie cause we wanted a new camera so badly but a real honest to goodness good one. So after much investigation and keeping a eye on the sales I did it today! I'm not even sure that I can wait. I am desprete to start playing with it. Even the guy at the camera shop said that it is an amazing camera. I bought the body and the basic lens, I figure we should learn how to use the stupid thing before we get too crazy on lens'. Besides fancy lens' weren't in the budget, I knew I had to spend a whap of cash this first trip to the camera store because you have to get a memory card, carrying case etc as well as the camera. I hope he loves it as much as I do. Shhhhhhhhh cause spouse doesn't know yet.

You're too young to have a 'tired old body'. Enough of that.
Maybe tired, but certainly not old.

Monday, 11 December 2006

To breed or not to breed

It's late and I can't sleep. I am feeling overwhelmed.....and for some reason mad. I few posts ago I mentioned that I have the opportunity to return to school. My amazing spouse has offered to look after our finances if I want to 'continue my education' This is a huge gift and one that I offered to him two years ago and he took. Our plan was always to take turns, he went first because he knew what he wanted to take and because I, at that time, made more money then him and could conceivably pay for our lives. He will graduate top of his class in April. So now it is my turn.

In anticipation I have been investigating anything and everything that interests me, seeing if any of them will see me through 2, 3 and sometimes 4 years of study. I posted that I was looking into becoming a teacher, something that has always interested me and people have told me that I would be good at. But after a long look at, I decided against for various reasons. I have now started the process of applying to design school. Every class description interests me and I am getting really excited about the possibilities. I start in April and I can't wait!
Three years ago I found out that I am unable to get pregnant naturally due to scar tissue that distroyed my fallopian tubes. The scar tissue is as a result of a infection when I was 8 years old. There was and is nothing I can do to change or fix this. Our only chance of have children is through In-vitro Fertilization or adoption. I have always wanted children and this was a huge blow, especially finding out only after trying to get pregnant for over a year. Now I am 34, at 35 the chances of a successful pregnancy start to decline and I am mad.

I have something I want to do, something for me. After 15 years of hating what I do for a living, I have an opportunity to change that. To be proud and look forward to my workday. And the sound of a clock ticking is so loud that I feel sick. It feels like I have to put my dreams on the backburner again for someone else. Someone that doesn't even exist yet. I know that children are a huge gift, they teach you your capacity for love and change all your priorities but the only advantage I have had over the natural process of getting pregnant is the ability to plan exactly when I want to be pregnant and now that has been taken away from me. Now instead I have to chase a ticking clock? Would I feel this pressure if we could get pregnant naturally? I just want to have this dream of school all to myself for a while. I don't want to start school with plans for leaving before it's over. I'm not asking that I start my new career before we consider kids again just that I can enjoy going back school and the excitment of that without the pressure of procreation.

Currently reading : The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies By Randine Lewis Release date: January, 2004

Having a child and going to school do not necessarily cancel each other out. Start the schooling. You can go to classes while pregnant, if that's the case. And you can continue classes in the evenings while your partner is home with the babe. Afternoon naps and part of wk. ends can be set aside for homework. Also, if you have some (and it would have to be 'some', not all) classes during the day, there are always babysitting trade offs with other moms. This only means that your degree may take a little longer.....not the end of the world
Buck up girl.
I'm with (I'm assuming) Finn. Go to school, have a baby, do it all. We have faith in your amazing abilities, Em. And I will be back in Toronto before you know it and will help you out in every way I can. You have an awesome support system, take advantage of it!

Tuesday, 5 December 2006

I Want Stuff

I have No idea and a million ideas as to what I want for Christmas. The Mr. and I have been very frugal the last few years with buying a house that needed tons of work and then his return to school and trying to live solely off my income. So I have gotten use to wanting things but have forgotten the true meaning of GETTING them. Every holiday that rolled around we would ask politely for things for the house and remind everyone that we can't go crazy with shopping so don't go crazy on us. Last year I knit almost everything. But lately I have had the urge to be spoiled. Not only do we need stuff for the new house like a dresser for our bedroom and a cabinet for the tv but I need some clothes and a pair of winter boots and we need a vacuum and I need a couple of new pots and and and...........I Want Stuff!!!! IS that soooo BAD?
I am back at work, no more housewife for me.

The 'housewife' thing wears pretty thin pretty fast. You're far too smart and creative for that role.


I haven't been home to be making dinners the last week and I miss it. I love cooking! But tonight I made a very nice lasagna. Here's what I did:

Sauted large onion with 3 cloves of garlic until soft. Mixed together one container of ricotta, one box of frozen spinach (thawed and squeezed of liquid) with onion/garlic mixture. I added a bit of grated parm and mozza.

In a sauce pan I simmered one can of plum tomatoes that had been pureed in a blender, added some olive oil, fresh basil and a knob of butter to make it rich.
I boiled up some lasagna noodles, I had found spinach lasagna noodles which I didn't even know existed and inspired me to make the dish.

I layered sauce, noodles, blobs of ricotta mixture and grated mozza until out of noodles then threw the whole thing in a 375 oven for 45 minutes. Once cooled, very good and not so saucy that it falls apart. The thing I like about lasagna is, it always taste better the next day.

Mmmmm, sounds yummy. I often throw in sauted zuchini and sweet peppers too. Mmmmm and yeah, always better one and two days later. All the moisture is kind of sucked up by then.

Wednesday, 22 November 2006


I don't think in my whole life that I have ever bought myself underpants (whatever you do....don't say panties!)or socks. These are the few things in life that are and always will be supplied by my mother. Forever and always, christmas and birthday gifts are guaranteed to be supplemented with "ompants and tocks." The one thing that my mom can't seem to get right every time is the style of "ompants" that I prefer. I like bikini briefs ....not sport or high cut briefs, these are the ones that come up to your belly button and they have a tendency to sit right in the huge scar I have that runs across my belly. Nothing is more uncomfortable then elastic waistbands on scars. So the rule is, if mom gives me the wrong ones, I pass them on to my aunt who like this style.

Last year my spouse complained to me that he was in need of underpants. I told him Christmas was coming and certainly "Santa" would sort him out. Doesn't everyones Mom give them underwear for christmas? Christmas day when I recieved the 'wrong style', I put the unacceptable undies on our dresser to remind me to pass them on to the aunty the next day. That night when we were going to bed I came upstairs to find said spouse standing in front of the mirror in THE UNACCEPTABLE UNDIES. He turned looking at himself in the mirror, "these "santa" underpants don't really fit" You would think that the pink flowers would have given it away if not the waistband that very clearly says "Hains HER way"

Currently listening : Confessions on a Dance Floor By Madonna Release date: 15 November, 2005

After that, they were STILL passed on to the aunty!

Friday, 17 November 2006

deal breakers II

The biggest failings or deal breakers in my memory are of friendships not romantic relationships. AT least they are my most interesting...

Crissy - She was so painfully insecure that she had to sleep with every boy that we (my best girl and I) thought was cute. We would be out at a club together and one of us would notice someone cute across the room, cute enough to comment.....Chrissy would sleep with him. Best girl and I started picking out horrible guys "he's not classically good looking but he is so sexy".......Chrissy would sleep with him. "He reminds me of Marilyn Manson and Marilyn Manson is a ROCK STAR"......Chrissy would sleep with him. "He would be TOTALLY hot if he didn't smell so bad".........Chrissy would sleep with him. After a few months of this game, best girl and I got bored......of Chrissy.

Steph - I had known Steph for many years. We kinda grew up together. I always really liked her independent spirit, free thinker attitude. I was the classic high school football player dater popular type, while she was protesting animal rights. Something happened in our late teens early twenties......she changed. It started small. I told her I wanted to see all the movies nominated for Oscars that year. Told her all my plans to fit them all in and why this was important to me(I fancied myself an actress). Later that day while we were out I overheard her telling a boy I was interested in all about how SHE was planning to see all the Oscar nominated movies this year and how and why...........OR the time she also went out and bought all the clothes that I had put on hold during a earlier shopping trip together, FOR HERSELF. It wasn't till we were out together and I recognized an item, that I realized that everything she had on was what I had on hold.............OR the night I had a date (that I wasn't that keen on but he had been very persistant) and both of us ended up crashing at Steph's place (she lived near the club) although I was asleep in the same bed as him, nothing had happened. I woke up in the night to hear her screwing him in the bed beside me!!......OR when she showed up at my wedding party with her boyfriend's bestfriend because he had said that he would marry her when she told him that her boyfriend wouldn't. After he said this, she dumped her boyfriend and announced at my wedding party that her and new guy were getting married.......they had been dating for two weeks. I never saw her again. I just couldn't imagine myself learning all the words to "Me and my creepy obsessive shadow"

That bitch!

The Knife

My best friend for many years growing up was Alison. I spent almost every weekend at her house. They had a family story in her house about the time her grandfather pooped so big it wouldn't flush and he had to cut it up with a knife so it would go down. Every time I used a knife in their house, one of the family members would yell "that's THE knife".

I remember Alison. I somehow ended up with her cat, Syd. He slept inside car engines and once he jumped on the back of a pigeon as it was taking off from the porch roof. For 3 seconds Syd flew.....and then he landed hard on the sidewalk with a mouthful of pigeon feathers. I could almost see the little halo of tiny tweeting birds flying around his head.
I don't remember Syd. I do remember her weiner dog Toby who some how manage to steal a whole chicken off the table and eat the whole thing before anyone noticed. We spent the next couple of days pulling cooking string out of his ass.....which reminds me, I think averyone who has ever owned a cat has the memory of pulling christmas tinsle out of it's ass....
Syd used to travel back to my old apt. after I moved. He walked about 6 miles from west end to downtown. Took about a week. The tenants who replaced me would phone and say, "He's back."
I'd go pick him up and he was always extra fat.....stuffing himself at the back door of Mickey's Ribs, purring like an outboard motor.
Nope, can't say I've ever had the privilege of pulling string out of a cat's or a dog's butt.....but maybe one day.

Monday, 13 November 2006

deal breakers

I am of the age where the weddings I have attended over the years, the couples are either having children now or filing for divorce. This next set of landmarks has got me thinking about deal breakers. As we have gotten older has our list of deal breakers gotten longer? or has the fear of growing old alone made us cross things off? Has maturity made us more forgiving or stupid?

I don't go to many weddings, and the ones I have attended recently the people already had at least 2 kids together.
Deal breakers. God. There's a lot I am willing to put up with. Yes, I have a list as long as my arm, but it doesn't necessarily mean that something wickedly awesome about a person won't cancel some of them out.
I am less afraid of being alone than I am of compromising myself these days. That feels pretty good.
Very wise Ceejay.
Took me more years than you to realize that its not a good idea to hook up with someone cause you're afraid to be alone, or because you 'need'.
Once being alone is okay, then you can hook up cause you want.

Friday, 10 November 2006

jagged little pill

I have been curling up in a ball when it comes to writing.Writing is something I have done regularly my whole life - from diaries to letters and emails. I love to write and pride myself on pretty good at it - not in a I should be published kinda way - but in a comparative to others in my circle. I have also done alot of writing for work, manuals, phamplets, press releases, menus etc. I don't have trouble putting thoughts to paper (screen)

My trouble has more to do with content. I am still a housewife....and maybe if that's all I wanted to do or if I had truely claimed it as "my job" to be a housewife instead of something forced on me in the interm, I could get comfortable and get involved in the housewifeness. But I can't. Instead this feels like something that has happened to me. I don't want to make too many plans, or get too busy just encase work comes up.

But really, how many episodes of "The View" can I watch before I hire a hit man to kill Elizabeth Onmyback. How on earth did such a vacuous bore get a job talking about HER VIEW. Want to hear a different "younger" view. Talk to me or C8. We weren't raised in privileged money and married our college quarterback sweethearts. We've gotten a little dirty, done things that only bravery (some might say stupidity) can explain. That's interesting! That's worth writing about!! Maybe thats where I need to go, backwards and take a good long look at what "was", it might explain why what "is" is so hard to swallow.

Saturday, 21 October 2006

Halloweeny goodness

The "spouse" and I have decided what we are going to be for Halloween!!


I have a blond wig, a T-shirt that I have glitter glued "Mrs. Federline" on the front, a large doll that I bought a baby football shirt for and with a black felt tip, in bold letters wrote "Sean P" on the back and will add a bandage to his head. I thought a mixed drink and smoke in my hands at all times and maybe drop the baby occasionally. I think I need to be pregnant as well. Make-up shouldn't be a problem but I am unsure of bottoms - pants, skirt, shoes??? Anyone have any Britney ideas, please feel free to write me!!

My K Fed is wearing jeans, a wife beater, suit jacket, doo rag (or is it do -rag?) hat and chains and a fedora. He is growing in some stubble.....again we are't quite sure what will make it an absolute give away. Nothing is worse then everyone asking you what you are!!
The final costumes, you can see my 'pregnant' pillow through the shirt

Gertie (my dog) has decided to be Snow White.....AGAIN!! Boy she loves that costume!
That sounds good. Mike could also wear extra droopy track pants. I also think he needs a doo-rag under the fedora. He just needs to throw the phrase "popozao" around and people will get it. And if they don't he can threaten to "pop a clock" in their faces. Or something like that, I can't quite get the wiggerisms correct anymore. Or, he can merely answer "yo" to any question.
Conversely, I have been dreaming of dressing as Stuart and his mom for Weenzers. Of course, there's no chance in HELL Paul'd go for it, so it really is a pipe dream. But I'd sure like to see him with a straw-y blond wig and tons of blusher on. He'd be cute as a button. I do believe I am completely Hallowe'ened out after so many years at Malabar.

Saturday, 14 October 2006

life of leisure

I'm bored and everything sucks. This housewife thing isn't as cool as I thought. If you have no reason to get up and get don't. And then when my BIG STRONG MAN comes home at the end of the day, he's tired, wants to eat and go to bed. I'm dying for company, talk a mile a minute and follow him around the house telling him all about todays Oprah episode. Pretty much drive him crazy, he gets frustrated, I get defensive, needy and emotional. It's totally hot and makes me incredably attractive, especially when I haven't showered, have breakfast/lunch on my jammies and dirty bathrobe sleeves from being dipped in numerous cups of cold tea as I reach for the tv remote.

I decided yesterday would be different. I took a long bath, SHAVED MY LEGS and even waxed things. I put on CLEAN JAMMIES and skipped Oprah only to have absolutely NOTHING to talk about when the spouse came home.

Which things did you wax? Obviously I am thinking your girl bits, but maybe you mean the kitchen floor. Please explain in detail.

Monday, 9 October 2006

get stuffed

Here in Canada we are finishing up Thanksgiving weekend and I tried again to win the turkey eating award but alas......there is aways a stronger competitor that brings me to my knees. Two days and two houses of roasted bird!! Oh the carnage!!

One thing that aways becomes apparent during the holidays is how the majority of the world CAN'T cook. I fully admit my snobbiness, my foodiness. It's true that I TIVO all episodes of The Barefoot Contessa and anything with Nigella Lawson and then TAKE NOTES but really people HOW CAN YOU SCREW UP MASH POTATOES??!!

I don't understand people who make meals for themselves and family everyday and make sincerely terrible food. Have they never eaten good food so they have nothing to compare it too?? Do most compare a good pasta dinner to Kraft Dinner? At some point you would think that even by accident some decently cook something past their lips and they thought "geez, that's kinda tasty, wonder how they done that?" AND LOOKED INTO IT.

So this weekend I did eat an unusual version of wallpaper paste drowning in canned gravy, stuffing made from PAXO breadcrumbs AND NOTHING ELSE and a dessert that I think was condensed milk with chocolate chips in a store bought graham cracker crust. The "chef" then spent over an hour telling me she couldn't have done it without the help of COSTCO!!!

Currently reading : The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook By Ina Garten Release date: 06 April, 1999

I think that a lot of people just don't know what good food is. Nor do they care to. Jill's husband can't even make instant mashed potatoes, he somehow came up with glue. And he doesn't care. He'd eat it happily. As far as Matt's concerned, food is food, it's only skateboarding fuel, nothing worth spending a lot of time worrying about.
Although, I do hear he makes really good pizza.

Friday, 6 October 2006

What the blog?

It's true, I will spread my lovin arms to any good blogging. I am a bloggin whore. Good blogs have made me realize that some of the books I read read like good blogs- David Sedaris, and the guy that wrote Running with Scissors. Stories of people lives and how they have felt while living them. Books written in the first person that take you on a journey with the protaganist, letting you feel what they feel. You are in the story, not just viewing it from above.

I lay NO claims to being good at this........what ever good means. And I know that very few even look/read my pages (maybe just my C8)but I enjoy the idea that I am trying to contribute to a world of thinking(even if it is just my own). That somewhere in our over stimulated, fast time/quick time, not fast enough entertainment reality tv show watching blurps we call life, that maybe we can find a new way to connect. Our way to realize that we are all human and that the reality is what you make, and this one is mine, not viewed from above but here in the trenches. My little peanut life likes the idea that it is adding some peanutty goodness to my audience of ONE.

It took years of Yoga to be able to shove my head this far up my own ass!

Wednesday, 4 October 2006

hair ball

My cat is currently on antianxiety medication. What is so stressful? (the picture of a cat that I have on this site is NOT my cat, therefore NOT explaning the possible stress level of my cat)
The most stressful part of her stress is how much time I spend worrying about her. We originally had her on a perscribed med from the vet that was amusingly call ClomiCalm. We had her on it for about a year until we realized that her fur was coming out in clumps and all she did was sleep. I found this more stressful then the behaviour that made us take her to the vet in the first place.

I have now been giving her a homeopathic treatment that was formulated for humans but has been reccomended for pets as well. Not only are there no side effects but it seems to be working!!!

If only getting the dropper up her ass was easier........

Monday, 2 October 2006


For all my bravado about MY My Space page, I have been completely crap about staying on top of keeping it up to date.

This year hasn't been full enough (new job, sell house, move, wedding after wedding and even a funeral AND eloped with the boyfriend of almost 6 years) I decided to fit in losing my job before year end just to mix it up a bit. I get bored easily and felt I needed to mix things up a bit. Yes, it's true, I have that much control over my life and the events of this year. Don't you wish you were more like me? I wish I was more like me. All of my lifes insecurities were challenged when I was claimed redundant!!

The interesting part is what this has brought up in me. I am serously considering going back to school...........................I think I want to be a teacher MA! Does this seem crazy?? Do I have time?? I know I am only 24.....eeer....hemmm...34 but can I really be considering a brand new start? I would be looking at around 4 years of schoolin' before I would be teachin' full time. English, I want to be a English teacher. I like apples, why not?!

Currently reading : What Next? The Complete Guide to Taking Control of Your Working Life By Babrara Moses Release date: 21 April, 2003


I wish I was less like me. Oh, and dinner worked out awesomely. I don't know if I told you this but I did a 'shepherd's pie' but with ground turkey and fresh sage, peas, then mashed sweet potatoes and topped with stuffing. Paul claims it's the best thing ever he's ever eaten that I made ever. And that if I change a thing, he'll cut off my hands.

Sunday, 10 September 2006


We've done it now!! The spouse and I have booked a trip to ALL INCLUSIVE!! Does this enter us into the relm of grey haired biddies? Do I have to learn how to play "canasta"?

Our exhaustion from the craziness of the past year of our lives has caught up with us. I told the travel agent that I wanted to go somewhere that someone would feed me and maybe even wipe my butt, preferably not the same person. And I wanted to leave in a week and we don't have current passports (mine expired 2 years ago and 'the spouses' picture he still has braces and a pimpily chin) Since our move 3 weeks ago all we have prayed for is sleep and our prayers haven't been answered so we have had to force the hand.

Maybe "my" prayers were answered.......but in the worst possible way. After 6 months of hard work, I lost my job on Thursday morning and had the trip booked before lunch. Budget cut backs (I worked for a not-for-profit) caused 3 of the last hired to be "layed off" with no chance of being rehired. I was only mildly surprised, I knew they were having $ problems. But I was surprised that my department got cut. I was the only one bringing $ into the place, more then enough to pay the cost of employing me. I only started my blog last week so I know I haven't been "dooced". Have I been "predooced"?

Will I be employable when I return from my ALL INCLUSIVE a 65 year old, theme sweater wearing, grey haired, saggy boobed, napper? Or will all the young wipper snappers be taking all the "good" jobs?

Wednesday, 6 September 2006

attention to detail

I have a terrible cough that is the remnants of a cold that I have been nursing for the last THREE weeks. I can't even breathe without it causing a new round of beached seal honking. Yesterday I coughed so much I broke a blood vessel in my eye. I showed it to 'the spouse' looking for sympathy and he asked "hasn't that always been there?". "Fourteen years, FOURTEEN YEARS you have known me and you think that I have had a blob of blood the size of a pea suspended in the white of my eye the whole time?.....without either of us ever commenting on it?"........He shugged. The power of his love overwhelms me....

Tuesday, 5 September 2006


I am a late bloomer and always have been. Whether it was the boobs I prayed for in high school or signing up for MySpace when everyone else I know has been on for years.
I love reading blogs and only hope that I can channel my blogging heros wit and prose,,, to name a few. But chances are I will sound more like a bland privilaged white snob that only thinks of herself. Amazing hard as I try, my life always has the same character starring in it......ME!